Lakers Suck, Dirk Rules

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Alright Lakers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can always tell a lot more about a man following a loss than you can after a win.

Congratulations Andrew Bynum, ya big dumb animal, you have now been reduced to a punchline for the rest of your existence (people may forget - I will remind them). In your effort to prove you're a tough guy, you took out the smallest guy on the court. Maybe you didn't see the elderly woman sitting courtside? Hopefully, there were some children in the locker room for him beat on to continue his hissy fit. Although, to be fair, I guess they didn't just get done abusing your backside to the point where the police had to be called (we've got a bleeder!). I am impressed that you were able to steal the goat label away from both L'Odom (who went after The Man) and Kobe Bryant (do your scowl Kobe!). I could attach any number of characterizations to your embarrassment, however I think the most obvious might be the most fitting - Bitch.

The best part about the Lakers meltdown was that it was such a glorious sight to take in that it effectively countered watching them win the past two NBA Championships. I feel like it's almost been negated in my mind now. Dejustified. Imagine how you'd feel if you were a true, die-hard Lakers fan (are there any?) right now. Not only did your team just take a beatdown of epic proportions, but they showed their true colors in the process. And you sit back and think to yourself, "This is the team I've been supporting this whole time...?!" I can't imagine how their true fans (there's gotta be some, right?) could go on supporting this current group of players. I guess it's a long offseason though.

The weirdest part of the whole thing was how surprised everybody was. I expected everything I saw in Game 4. Magic Johnson and Mike Wilbon were shocked that the Lakers came out with a weak effort in the first half, but I fully expected a Lakers lay down. This ain't Kobe's first time either. In fact, when he loses he usually goes down with a whimper in the Playoffs (2008 Finals anybody?). So maybe they just believed in Phil Jackson? Although, he had never been in a 3-0 hole before, and anybody that heard his pre-game taped interview could easily tell that he had moved on past this series. So once the game was in hand (around mid 2nd quarter), my thoughts immediately turned to what kind of Laker meltdown we were about to see. To my surprise, people weren't expecting this either. Why did people think the Lakers exude class? Because there were no qualms during their times of success? The best part of this series is how it verified everything I had previously thought about the Lakers.

Now on to the man...

Dirk Nowitzki - How ya like me now? Can this man finally get a break when being discussed as a current superstar and/or all time great? Does publicly undressing Kobe and spanking him in front of the entire fraternity of the NBA enough? I mean he had a few bad seriesi (although it was more his team than himself) and yet he gets brushed aside when compared to rest of the league's elite. Hell, Kobe has quit on his team 2-3 times throughout his career now, yet that barely gets a mention. It's as if quitting on your team carries more street cred than going all out but falling short. That's a sad, sad state of affairs, man.

But since this is the first time they've ever met in the NBA Playoffs, I have no problem now saying that Dirk Nowitzki owns Kobe. Whatcha'll say about that?

"Yea, but Kobe is on the tail end of his career, thus lessening Dirk's accomplishment." I almost bought into this argument myself, until one quick look at Wikipedia told me that DIRK IS OLDER than Kobe!

"Yea, but Kobe has 5 rings, while Dirk has none." Well, 3 of those rings belong to Shaq. Kobe played a big part in obtaining them, but now you're walking the slippery slope of putting the likes of Rick Fox ahead of Dirk (which wouldn't shock me to hear NBA folks do). 2 of the rings are rightly Kobe's, but he needed a star in Pau Gasol to get back to that level. Remember, he doesn't even have a single series victory without Shaq or Pau. So Laker fans (crickets) might wanna reconsider that whole blaming Pau thing.

"Yea, but this series wasn't about Kobe vs. Dirk. The Mavs are just better than the Lakers. Not Kobe's fault." Tell that to Dirk's reputation of the last 10 years. But, you are right, because Kobe's Lakers have the far superior team to the Mavs. As Sports Guy tweeted last night...

On paper, LA has 4 of the best 5 players in the series. Their 4th best player (Odom) would be #2 for Dallas.

So that would mean that Dirk would have to severely outplay Kobe to give his Mavs a chance at this shocking upset right? A quick look at point totals doesn't give you that impression. However, a deeper look at games 1 & 3 reveal that Dirk made the plays down the stretch, while Kobe came up empty (or was the 2nd choice behind L'Odom). Best closer in the league? Nein.

"Yea, but Kobe can just buy the Playoffs a 4 million dollar ring and it'll all go away." Now that one I cannot counter. Sometimes you just gotta tip your hat to a man that has it all figured out.

Enough about Kobe though. Like his teammates, I'm gonna give up on him. However, I remain very intrigued by what drives this perception of Dirk. As my buddy Cheebah Sheebah and I discussed the issue, we wondered if he will always remain perpetually underrated because he isn't flashy on or off the court. He rarely dunks the ball (although when he does it sounds something like this). He hardly even likes to shoot 3's anymore (even though he shot 70% for the series from deep). He DOES like to always make the right play (almost never see the Mavs take a bad shot, and that starts with Him), get all of his teammates involved (the most unselfish non-point guard in the NBA), and play smart. He's very comparable to Tim Duncan in these regards, but with one big difference: He's not boring as shit.

I'm just really glad to see Dirk rise up and make atleast one more (hopefully not last) run in the NBA Playoffs. I didn't (and never will) think that the NBA didn't intervene in the 2006 Finals, giving the Heat a hockey assist to the Championship (although I've never contended the Mavs are innocent in this injustice - I just think that title should be nullified altogether). I feel like if Dirk and I can keep feeding off the same seismic energy (huge bowling victory this week for Ze Dirkness), then he might just get his second chance.

Go Dirk, go Mavs.

His Dirkness

Mavericks/Lakers Thoughts - Series Over?

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Wow! Not in my wildest dreams did I expect the Mavs to take the first two games from the Lakers in Los Angeles. I really didn't think they had much of a chance in this series, given the recent history of these two teams. The Lakers have always been the team that comes up big, while the Mavs are always the team that shrinks down in the moment. That's to my extreme disliking, but that is the case. However, two people, who's opinions I hold in high regards, believed in the Mavs - Charles Barkley and Jason Whitlock - both of whom predicted the Dirks to take the series in 6 games. The fact that they're willing to go with what they truly believe, despite what popular belief tells them and how easy it would've been to pick the Lakers, is the reason I respect them so highly. 90% of analysts would've been afraid to make that pick, even if they had believed it would happen, because they're afraid of looking stupid on national TV.

So just how have the Mavs taken this 2-0 lead over the two time defending Champions? Well, one thing is for sure, this ain't your grandpa's Mavericks team. Perception doesn't always meet reality, and never is that more the case than with the Dallas Mavericks. And that starts with Dirk Nowitzki, who has the reputation of being soft and a bit of a choker, yet ranks 2nd in 4th quarter scoring thus far in the NBA Playoffs. It hasn't just been the small sample size of the Playoffs though, remember Sports Guy had this to say on Dirk's case for MVP this year (speaking for Dirk)...

According to 82games.com, I'm the league's best clutch scorer: in crunch-time, I make 49.5 percent of my field goals, get to the line more than anyone else and make 89 percent of my free throws. I have chunks of Kobe's crunch-time prowess in my stool.

But how about the Mavericks as a whole, who probably have a worse reputation than Dirk himself? They lead the NBA in comeback wins when trailing/tied after the 3rd quarter (Dallas - 16, Portland - 14). They were tied with the Miami Heat for most road wins in the NBA throughout the regular season. Los Mavs went into Game 6 of the first round against Portland losing 18 of their past 20 playoff road games, yet all they've done since then is when 3 in a row on the road. All of these statistics contradict what the past 3 seasons of Mavs basketball have led you to believe.

But nobody took any of those numbers seriously going into this Lakers series. After all, it's the Lakers. And these are the Mavs. Well, Game 1 might've turned a few heads, when it was supposed to be the Lakers dominating down the stretch, yet the Mavs stole the game with a 10-2 run to close the game on a night where Kobe was on his A game. Can that be right? Or how bout this? It was the "soft" Mavericks battling back from a 16 point deficit in the 3rd quarter. And surely it wasn't the Mavericks getting T'd up for swinging an elbow right before the end of a first half, was it? After all, it was the Lakers' Matt Barnes, who played for that infamous Golden State team that upset the Mavs in 2007, that said that Golden State team figured out how to defend Dirk: "You have to punk him." Well, "Who's the wildman now?" asks Jon Favreau. But all of this is exactly what happened in Game 1, with the Mavs stealing a game they had no business winning, in what I would call the best game of the NBA playoffs so far.

This is all to drive home the point that these are not the same Mavericks of yesteryear. That team would've folded so fast after Game 4's meltdown against Portland (blew a 23 point lead) that not even Spike Lee in a cape could've saved them. Instead, they have now reeled off 4 straight victories, 3 on the road, 2 against the defending champs, and 1 close out game.

So what has made the difference for them? I would say it begins with Tyson Chandler (straight outta Compton). He has a brought a new attitude to this team, a toughness that has been lacking for them since the departure of DeSagana Diop (haha, I kid....kind of). He forms a perfect duo with Dirk, because while Dirk floats around the perimeter, all Chandler does is protect the paint and throw down alley oops like an O-rim-atang. Beyond that, they have just been slowly acquiring other people's garbage and molding it into something of a masterpiece. And I believe this collection of misfits have grown very tired of the world speaking out against them with the unified belief that this team is soft and can't get it done. That can be a gigantic motivator.

The Lakers on the other hand are experiencing some serious issues that go beyond whatever it is that Steve Blake does on the court (seriously, one of the worst games I've ever seen from an NBA player in Game 2). There were 3 key stats I was keeping my eye on going into this series, 2 of which I thought the Lakers would have a huge advantage. The first was points in the paint since the Mavericks get a lot of their points via jump shots, and I thought the Lakers would have an easier time getting their points. Well, they have dominated this statistic so far outscoring the Mavs 102-74 through two games. The second was rebounding, where I thought the length of Bynum, Pau, and L'Odom would dominate the shorter Mavs frontline. However, since getting manhandled in the first half of Game 1, the Mavs have hung tough in this statistic, with the Lakers holding only a slight edge at 88-79 (this is where I think the Mavs have been able to swing the series in their favor). The last was bench points, where I expected the Mavs to dominate, but not like they have been. Terry, Stojakovic, Haywood, and JJ Barea have absolutely mauled the Lakers second team unit (despite L'Odom playing fairly well so far). The Mavs employ a strategy that I'm a big proponent of by not starting their best 5 players. The 2nd team unit needs a leader on the floor, and Jason Terry is the very best at that (ironically, losing the 6th man of the year award to L'Odom). It's not about who starts, but who finishes.

So is this series over then? Nope, not yet by a long shot. As a Mavs fan you learn to not celebrate something until it is beyond certain. I won't even feel fully confident if the Mavs take a 3-0 lead in this series. My biggest fear right now is that the Ron Artest suspension gives the Lakers some life because A. He's been awful in this series and B. Probably means more minutes for L'Odom (who is the one player the Mavs cannot guard). Dirk isn't comfortable right now though. Trust me, I know how this man thinks. We don't like big leads. And while he took my advice on growing out the beard, he knows that no lead is ever safe when you look this good.

His Dirkness

NBA's 7 Most Interesting Teams

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It feels like the NBA has ushered in a whole new generation of talent. My interest level is at an all-time high. I actually embraced the NBA season before the College Basketball season, which might've been a first. I spent all Christmas day giddily watching NBA games. I've been checking scores semi-frequently. I've even launched a semi-serious hip hop career in my free time (sort of a cross between Joaquin Phoenix and Tamba Hali). To prove my point about how interesting the NBA is right now, I'm gonna give you 7 teams that I would watch if they were on TV right now (that's 8 more than 5 years ago) in order of interest level. I'll let the Dirka Dirka handle the segue....



1. Miami Heat - I couldn't have hated The Decision more. I felt like it was everything wrong with sports all bundled up into a nice, neat, hourlong special. But, I was analyzing The Decision for what it was, instead of examining the long-term effects of it. And the reality is, it created an incredible amount of interest in the NBA. It was a publicity machine. I've come full circle, and am ready to admit that the Miami Heat are awesome, and I'm not even sure if I'm cheering for them yet or not. But, the point is, that I care, something I haven't said about the NBA regular season in, well, forever? The NBA needed a villain, and the Heat have definitely become that, getting vigorously boo'd in every opposing arena. LeDarth gets boo'd essentially every time he touches the ball. They're selling out every arena they visit, while, ironically, not even selling out their own home games. Miami has no fans. We are literally seeing a team that everybody is rooting against. I became intrigued when they failed so spectacularly at the beginning of the season, curious about how that was possible. It's almost like we're witnessing a study on how a team comprised of 3 super-duper stars and little else could fair in the league. This stuff is usually reserved for video games. You had better believe I'll be glued to the TV for every minute of their playoff run, which is sure to be heavily scrutinized every step of the way.

2. Dallas Mavericks - It's meant to say a lot that I put "my team" second on this list. But to be fair, I cheer for the Mavs for two reasons, and two reasons only: Das Man and Mark Cuban. Dallas seems to be in the same situation they've been in the past few years, thriving in the regular season, while nobody believes they could compete with the Lakers in the West. They added Tyson Chandler this year, who is the perfect yeoman to Dirk's Jesus-like qualities. With Brendan Haywood coming off the bench, they finally have the bigs to protect Dirk around the rim (miss DeSagana Diop more then you can believe). I feel like Dirk has one more serious run in him before he fades off into the scheisse. I feel like it's my responsibility to inform everyone that Dirk Nowitzki now ranks 22nd on the NBA's all-time scoring list. If he averages 75 games for the next 5 years at a clip of 20 points per game (all plausible), that would be enough for #5 ALL TIME!! (although, would probably be 6th behind Kobe Bryant).

3. New York Knicks - Yes! Relevance! The biggest, baddest, jew in all the city has brought ball back to the Gaaaaahden. And I ain't talkin' about D'Antoni, although I do give him most of the credit. I was raised on early 90's Knicks teams with the likes of Patrick Ewing, Charles Oakley, Anthony Mason, John Starks, and Chris Dudley. I love watching D'Antoni teams get out and run (starring Raymond Felton, who you might remember from UNC in 2005ish, as Steve Nash, and Amar'e Qwangzilla as, well, Amar'e Stoudemire). I love that I share a name with a professional sports team. I love Ronny Turiaf's style. And I love that playoff games are returning to Madison Square Garden, the best basketball venue in the world.

4. Los Angeles Lakers - The former villains of the NBA (I think) almost feel lost in the shuffle now with the Miami Heat in town (3,000 miles away). Don't worry though, they're still the easiest team for me to hate. Kobe Bryant is the lone remaining relevant ranger from the "We must replace Michael Jordan with the next superstar NOW, it doesn't matter if he's as good (Kobe), not nearly as good (Grant Hill), or even good at all (Vince Carter)" phase (Ironically, it may have been LeBron that ended all the unnecessary pedestals for unproven players by bringing an all new skill set to the table). Oh yea, the Lakers: They've entered their annual "Are the Lakers in trouble?" January swoon. They remain one of the best teams so long as they care, although the Christmas day beatdown handed to them by the Heat looms large.

5. Chicago Bulls - This is the team to keep your eye on for the future. With Derrick Rose and Joakim Phoenix Noah still playing under rookie contracts, they have tons of money to play with, even with Carlos Boozer signed to a near max-deal. It's all about how they choose to spend that money though. They already have the alpha dogg of the team in D-Rose (who is most experts' choice for MVP as of now). These same experts also say it's not wise to threaten the alpha dogg with another. He needs more of a Lambda Lambda Lambda sidekick. Timing is the other issue. If spent wisely, say in a mid-season trade this year, the Bulls could vault into the upper-tier of NBA teams.

6. Oklahoma City Thunder - The youngest player with the biggest takeover potential (that is to say, take over the NBA) is still Kevin Durant, who's almost under the radar now with all the other young stars taking over the league. They're still loaded with a young nucleus of talent that have a good chance to produce multiple championships down the line (although changing their colors to black and yellow would quicken the process). Just wait until Blake Griffin decides to leave the Clippers and joins the Thunder along with Bill Self.

7. Los Angeles Clippers - Yeaaaaa buddy. The biggest one man show in the NBA right now is Blake Griffin. I was so impressed watching Griffin in his first game of the season that I texted my buddy, The Leftover Taco, that he was "The best post player in the NBA right now" a whooping 10 minutes into his career. This was obviously meant with some hyperbole, but looking around the league, I'm not sure that it's untrue. Who's better? Dwight Howard? On defense, yea. Tim Duncan? 3 years ago, yea. The Bearded Clam, Pau Gasol? Maybe, if you don't mind an STD or two. The Dirk? Nicht er ist nicht eine post player. There you have it, case closed. You must find time to watch The EarthBlake! Blake Superior! Griffin Impossible! To be fair, those were all stolen, but this one is all mine, The Gingerbread Man, unh!

Take that witchuuuuuu,
His Dirkness

2010 NBA Draft Live Diary

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First news is that the Chicago Bulls might be trading Kirk Hinrich to the Washington Wizards, freeing up enough cap space enabling them to go after two max-contract players in free agency. Imagine LeBron or D-Wade paired with Carlos Boozer or Chris Bosh. All on top of Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah. Hellooooooooooooo.

On to the draft...

Wizards- John Wall- Can't help but imagine him using his dance in the bedroom.

76ers- Evan Turner- My main assist man, D-Tuck, drops off this dime: he strongly resembles a Sesame Street character.

Kings- DeMarcus Cousins- Only two years away from the unavoidable John Calipari scandal at Kentucky leading to him coaching Cousins along with another Calipari Cronie, Tyreke Evans, in Sacramento.

Warriors- Ekpe Udoh- Taking a dump in his first professional interview is a great start.

Pistons- Greg Monroe- Higher on him now than I was when I made my predictions.

Clippers- Al-Farouq Aminu- Ridiculous looking glasses.

Jazz- Gordon Hayward- As if he wasn't white enough already, now he plays for the Utah Jazz.

Pacers- Paul George- His name says it all.

Hornets- Cole Aldrich- Everything is so great man, I'm so happy, golly gee. Nice looking teeth though. TRADED to Thunder.

Grizzlies- Xavier Henry- Bilas claims he's purely a spot up shooter as they show repeated highlights of him driving to the basket. The only three times he did it all year, but still. Ironically, Xavier ends up in Memphis where he should have spent last year watching Mario Little and the Jayhawks host the National Championship.

Raptors- Ed Davis- Before the Toronto Raptors pick a USA chant breaks out. Is this aimed at Canadians or just a product of US Soccer sweeping the nation?

Rockets- Patrick Patterson- He's a big soccer fan and is cheering for Spain. Also supports the Yankees, Lakers, and oddly enough, Duke.

Bucks- Larry Sanders- I heard his show is pretty damn funny. Reminds me of Theo Ratliff, the dude that was so overpaid that he was mentioned in every trade rumor of the last decade.

Timberwolves- Luke Babbitt- Atleast this year's picks will actually show up and/or communicate with the team unlike Ricky Rubio. Hopefully...

Bulls- Kevin Seraphin- Fran Fraschilla loves the pick. Dirkness love the pick. We have that kind of relationship. Love drafting foreigners post-lottery.

Thunder- Eric Bledsoe- Stu Scott says they gave the Lakers their toughest series of the playoffs. How wasted was he during the Finals? Love the fake cheering from Durant for a player that he knows won't be on their team. TRADED to Clippers.

Celtics- Avery Bradley- How fast he can adjust to the Celtics strategy of taking the entire season off will determine his success. Was the number one rated high school player and the 470th best college player last year.

Spurs- James Anderson- The Spurs thrive with their late first round draft picks by usually taking successful college players. Now that's what I call advanced thinking.

Thunder- Craig Brackins- Big 12 Run continues. TRADED to Hornets.

Blazers- Eliot Williams- Never heard of him. Possible explanation is that they fired their awesome General Manager, Kevin Pritchard, effective after the draft. AFTER the draft. He's making picks for a team that just fired him. The team that he has completely rebuilt. I would've drafted a kindergartner. Or the best player in the Leavenworth Penitentiary League. Actually I might do that if I were trying to win.

Timberwolves- Trevor Booker- How miserable must it be to know that you'll be spending your first few NBA years (supposed to be filled with hoes, blunts, and making it rain) in cold ass Minnesota? OHHHHH TRADED to Wizards. There goes that.

Hawks- Damion James- How many Big 12 players we at now? Answer: Too many. TRADED to Nets.

Grizzlies- Dominique Jones- I would've taken the red thing from the KIA commercials instead. TRADED to Mavericks. Red Guy would've looked great playing next to Dirk.

Thunder- Quincy Poindexter- Love this pick. Kevin Durant all but admitted that his voice is heard on decision making. So it's important that your star player isn't only good, but also smart.

Nets- Jordan Crawford- TRADED to Hawks. The author of the dunk that sent LeBron's camp into an embarrassing cover-up that only led to more publicity, all for a mediocre facial that barely grazed the face of LeBron (HA!). He continues to be more concerned over his self-image than winning.

Grizzlies- General Grievis Vasquez who EXPLODES in excitement! He must be confident that this guaranteed contract will be his one and only. Well, I don't, I like his game.

Magic- Daniel Orton- Again, he averaged 3 points a game last year. Must be represented by Drew Rosenhaus. Dude can't even speak, not really a downgrade in the NBA.

Wizards- Lazar Hayward- Closes out the first round with David Stern thanking the crowd for their "enthusiasm" (booing him every time he popped out from behind the curtains). I really hope the name Lazar catches on.

2nd Round- Adam Silver- Comes out to a huge ovation from the crowd excited to see anybody besides the worst "Best Commissioner in Sports" in the best moment of the night. He is now being greeted with what I believe to be "Sexy Silver" chants when he emerges from the green room.

Along with most of the players, half of the staffs, and all of the Atlanta Hawks, I'll be taking a good majority of the second round off.

Heat- Dexter Pittman- See, I told you he was still alive.

Kings- Hassan Whiteside- Disappointed the fans who wanted them to draft Jeff Van Gundy.

They have two minutes to get their pick in for the second round. There are many things I can do in two minutes, but making decisions heavily affecting my future is not one of them.

Knicks- Andy Rautins- Trying to please the hometown fans at the Draft. This will be their selling point when they miss out on the LeBron sweepstakes.

Knicks- Landry Fields- There goes that enthusiasm...

Pacers- Lance Stephenson- The Vegas favorite in the 'First 2010 NBA Draft Pick to get Arrested' race. Don't let us down Lance!

Heat- Jarvis Varnado- Sports Guy once penned a theory that it's smart to draft anybody that's really good at one thing, rather it be shooting, rebounding, on-ball defending, or in this case, blocking shots. He will be useful in the League.

Suns- Gani Lawal- My boy, D-Tuck's sleeper, going to my boy, D-Tuck's favorite team. Claims he is the next Cedric Ceballos.

Bucks- Tiny Gallon- Somehow, Buckethead got an invite to the Draft. Going to the unhealthiest city in the country probably isn't the best fit.

Celtics- Luke Harangody- Does he have enough crazy to fit in with the Celtics frontcourt? He certainly looks it. And his last name has possibilities to become its own sub-race. Oh, he's a Harangody.

Lithuanian Mudducks- Sherron Collins- I can't believe he didn't get drafted. Seems to be in vogue to hate on him. I think he could be a creator in the league that loves its playmakers. I guess people question his character, but I don't remember one game that he didn't bring it. I hope he finds a home somewhere, and continues banging strippers in the process.

Dirkness

NBA Finals Thoughts

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The Finals have been such an eclectic group of games, that I feel like there is no one way to properly analyze and sum up everything that is happening. Each game is vastly different than its predecessor, consisting of different players starring in each game. Game 1 was all about The Bearded Seal, King Kong Kung Pau (although I didn't watch, his numbers told the story). Ray Allen dominated Game 2 with an NBA Finals record eight three-pointers. Derek Fisher took over the 4th quarter of Game 3. Self-appointed "Shrek n' Donkey" (Big Slobby Davis and Lil' Mane Robinson) were the stars off the bench for Game 4, while Paul Pierce, The Troof, finally asserted himself in Game 5. You may notice a big name left off of that list, the Icon Impersonator himself (while John Hollinger of the Evil Empire wrote a shameful article suggesting Kobe should be the MVP, even in a losing effort). Will Game 6 be his game? He must do a better job of delegating the ball, as he took his teammates out of rhythm with his 3rd quarter raindrops, leaving them with nobody else to help contribute come 4th quarter, and wearing himself out in the process. Is new Kobe II back to old Kobe II or was there ever even a transformation? We should find out in Game 6 tonight.

If there was one defining angle to take away from the first five games, it would be that the Celtics are much tougher than the Lakers, perfectly evidenced by the extremely symbolic play that saw Paul Pierce outmuscle, outwill, and outheart the ball out of Kobe II's hands at the end of Game 5. This seemed to start at halftime of Game 4, when the Celtics emerged from the locker room with their season on the line ready to beat up what they perceive as a soft Lakers team, specifically their frontcourt, with a hobbled Gomorrah. If I had to guess, I'd say this stems directly from Kevin Garnett, who seems to be the tone setter for the Celtics. I think he is just a mean dude, and has rubbed off on to the mostly talentless Kendrick Perkins, creating a monster that is very effective on the boards and defensive end. These are two blokes I would not want to run into in a dark alley. It's strange because the Lakers obviously outclass the Celtics in talent, but can't measure up to their toughness, will, and resolve. And if you doubt them, then you'll get the Paul Pierce treatment, just like this referee did...



All this being said, I believe the series to be a complete toss-up right now. This is what the Finals should always come down to, the team with the last two home games needing to win both for the title. I expect some fishy, one-sided officiating for Game 6, but to what extent? And how many times will Cheezy Sheed Wallace whirling dervish his way down the court after a slaptacular foul call? I do believe the Celtics need to tone down the on-court whining, or atleast the spectacles they create about singletary calls. It doesn't help their cause. So with a gun pointed at my head right now, and my fate on the line based on the pick of this series, I think I'd go with the Celtics by a vuvuzuela.

So what are the keys to tonight's Game 6? Well, the Celtics' are obvious: Keep the inept Con Artest on the floor as much as possible. If I were Phil Jackson, I would severely limit his minutes, and would even consider playing The Abominable Snowman, Luke Walton, over him. Or they could just play The Unrealized Potential, L'Odom, more minutes. Anytime there is a player on the court that the other team openly roots for to shoot, and even cheer when he makes one because that means he's certain to shoot more, that's a bad sign. The Lakers' goals seem clear to me too: They have to get Kung Pau more involved in the game. If he remains intimidated by the Celtics frontcourt, which was the case in Game 5 and all of the 2008 Finals, than the Lakers will lose. I would aim to get The Bearded Seal 20 shots in Game 6 (shot totals so far: 14, 10, 11, 13, 12. Kobe II's shot totals: 22, 20, 29, 22, 27). The Dirkness guarantees that if Kung Pau takes more shots than Kobe II, then the Lakers will win the game. It's ironic that the reason they work so well together (Pau's passiveness and security in Beta-dog status) could end up being their tragic downfall.

Dirkness prediction for Game 6: Lakers 96-87, in an ethically questionable matter.

Go Celtics!
Dirkness

Lakers vs. Celtics Game 3

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I feel there is no direct angle to go with after the Lakers' Game 3 victory (and don't want to create one on my own to thrust out an "intriguing" article), other than it was poorly played (Lakers bad, Celtics worse), poorly officiated (might want to review this), and poorly affected the Celtics' chance at winning the series. This was a contest that went from the Lakers inability to put the game away when they had the opportunity, to the Lakers allowing the Celtics to crawl back into it with incredibly bad shot selection and arrogance of The Icon Impersonator, to the Celtics relying on ice-cold (the bad variety) Ray Allen down the stretch, to a near complete and utter embarrassment for the league and the sport of basketball if the Celtics would've unjustifiably come back in the last two minutes.

The Celtics lost home-court advantage (suddenly more important in Hockey) on a night that saw their most underperforming player (KG) score the first six points of the game to the delight of a raucous crowd. However, it quickly became evident that the Celtics couldn't put together anything resembling an offense without Garnett in the post or Rondo in transition. I cannot comprehend why Doc Rivers played Crazy Eyes Baby down the stretch as opposed to Cheesy 'Sheed or Krazy Kendrick (how many loose screws amongst those three? And that doesn't even include Ron-Con Artest). He (back to Big Baby) provided nothing on the offensive end, was too slow to guard L'Odom, and too small to guard Kung Pau. Much the same, Doc was too slow to reinsert players from the bench, and too small minded to keep riding Garnett down the stretch instead of a shooter that couldn't hit a jail yard from a basketball arena (think Jesus). The ironic part of the series is how Ray Allen has now won the Celtics a game, and lost them a game, which I suppose makes him the most important player in the series up this point.

I feel I must address the Celtics semi-possible "comeback" at the end of the game, sponsored by the refs, that included three reviews on out of bounds calls (first I've heard of this rule), and which led to every player complaining after every shot and the announcers scrambling for ways to stay hush-hush (Beard n' Stache wouldn't have masqueraded this) about the NBAtrocity that the officiating has become. Lets face it, the Celtics and Lakers got to the Finals based on how they've played, but also by how well each veteran-laden team is able to work the refs during games (led by Derek Bitcher). How can this continue to be such a problem for a professional sport? You might respond with the argument of how hard it is to govern the game of basketball, to which I reply College Basketball does just fine with it. Blame falls equally on the refs (phantom call on Pierce's And-1 to keep things interesting) and players (Kung Pau flopping around like a bearded seal) in present terms, but collectively on David Stern ("The best Commissioner in sports"), who deserves his own sentence. The review implementation didn't seem like a bad idea up until they're reviewing a play containing a foul that can't be called, leaving the refs no choice but to switch the call and reward the fouling team with the ball. This is a case of the letter of the law overriding the intent of the law, a situation that should remain absent from professional sports, yet present in Stern's nightmares. Nobody will be upset about this because it hasn't gravely affected the outcome of a game. Yet.

The worst part of the game was that the Celtics had the Lakers right where they wanted them. Kobe started to panic and was returning to his former Pop-A-Shot self (He drew backboard before iron unintentionally on atleast three fourth quarter shots). Kung Pau wasn't touching the ball nearly enough and was cowering into his KG-induced imaginative shell, ala the 2008 NBA Finals. It will be hard to overcome a home loss and find a way to grind out another victory in Los Angeles. Since 1985, when the NBA introduced the 2-3-2 Finals format, the team winning Game 3 in a series tied 1-1 has gone on to win the series every time (I got that stat from Linda Cohn's Facebook!!!). My prediction may come to fruition, to the dismay of many, especially those that sat through Derek Fisher's post-game waterworks.

I would like to encourage further Laker-bashing on the comments of this post. Come with all nicknames, anecdotes, and rants. Bring your creativity, immaturities, passion, emotional backlash, and irrationalities to the party. All is welcome no matter how short, unfunny, or illogical it may be. Trust me, it'll make you feel better and probably enjoy the rest of the Finals even more.

Di Shirkness

Revolution 2-3

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Wouldn't it be ironic if the Phoenix Suns, who we all thought were going to revolutionize the game with their patented "7 seconds or chuck" offensive strategy, instead do so on the opposite end of the court, with the first successful use of zone defense in the NBA Playoffs known to man. It has worked for two games so far. If it's effective for two more games in supplanting legends Kobe Bryant, Phil Jackson, and the Triangle Offense, then it will surely spawn followers and possibly even usher in a new era into the NBA.

In order for this to happen, the zone must find a way to lead the Suns to a victory on the road at The Staples Center. Is this possible? I think so. People overreacted to the blowout from Game 1, while the Suns were in Game 2 until the very end. It is possible that the Lakers let all the talk of the series being over (and it was overwhelming) get their heads big. The time could be right for a home letdown. At this point in the Lakers-Thunder series (2-2), all the talk was that the series was up for grabs, while few people think that the Suns even have that chance in this series. This plays to the Suns favor. In order for a big upset to occur, you want a special blend between keeping your confidence high while having as few people as possible on your bandwagon.

So what has made the Suns use of the zone so effective? Well, in essence, the rare usage of it has confused the seasoned Lakers team. They just plain aren't used to seeing it. Suddenly, isolation plays called for Kobe are double covered, and Kung Pau's chicken isn't so spicy. This has led to the wrong people shooting the ball. The Lakers shot 27 more three pointers in the two road losses than in their two home wins, making precisely one more out of those 27. You must work the ball out of Kobe and Kung Pau's hands to find success against the Lakers, they are too good. Every shot Ron Artest or Lamar Odom takes is a win for the Suns defense. The problem with this strategy, is that role players always play better at home than on the road (aside from The Road Warrior, Derek Fisher). The other way a zone defense can backfire is offensive rebounding on the weak side. Penetration will draw a big man over, leaving a smaller player (or even worse, Amare Q'wang-Zilla) to block out a big guy. In fact, I'll go ahead and make that the key stat for Game 5 tonight, with my guess being that will be the Lakers adjustment.

The NBA should be ready to fully embrace this revolution. Don't they know it's gonna be....alright? These playoffs, even with The LeBron Game, have been a humongous disappointment. People don't care anymore. I am friends with an eclectic group of sports fans, and mostly I hear about how they wish they were more into it, but just aren't interested. Look, we all want to change the world, but shouldn't we be hanging on every last dribble with such a wide variety of superstars playing such a popular game? I'm not saying the Suns winning changes anything in actuality, but the NBA does need new blood injected into its veins. The last 26 years have seen only seven different teams win championships. People are bored with it. Look at the NFL, where 15 different teams have won the Super Bowl in the last 26 years. People like parity.

And if you are still unsure, just watch this...




You say you want a revolution? Well, you know...Go Suns!

Dirkness

The NBA Playoffs are heating up!

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Holy Goran Dragic, Batman! The Phoenix Suns posted the most impressive playoff effort of the season in last night's victory over their arch nemesis, the San Antonio Spurs. The game was on the road. The four-time champion Spurs were desperate for a victory, trailing 2-0 in the series. On top of that, the Spurs played well, the Suns just played better. And on top of that topping, due to their newfound toughness, I never thought they were out of the game, despite trailing by as many as 18 points. This is why I have stopped running alongside the Suns' bandwagon, and I made the leap on board successfully. After all, it's what Dirk would've wanted.

So where has this newfound toughness come from? I would say it's the right mix of veterans following the right leader, all of whom have encountered adversity, and feed off each other's desire to win. The best argument for this may have been addressed during last night's game, when the commentator claimed that none of the Suns' individual players were known as good defenders, yet they've been playing great defense as a whole. This tells me two things. The coach, Alvin Gentry, has done a great job of getting his players to buy into the idea that they will never achieve their ultimate goal without playing defense. Second, good defense usually comes down to effort and a will to win, which I believe starts with Steve Nash and runs through their entire roster. Plain and simple, they want it more than the other teams.

Steve Nash has experienced many playoff heartbreaks throughout his career. He's seen his best teammate, Amar'e Stoudemire (Matt P-Chang), get injured and derail their chances in 2006. In 2007, an altercation, started by the Spurs nonetheless, saw Amar'e-Shang and Boris Diaw get suspended for taking three steps off the bench after seeing their leader, Steve Nash, get bodychecked into the press table. Those suspensions came for the pivotal Game 5 at home with the series all square, which they lost, followed by a road loss in Game 6 to lose the series. Not to mention that Tim Donaghy refereed a controversial Game 3 in that series. Yea, the guy that bet on games, remember him? The NBA doesn't. The heartbreak from 2008 came fairly, and from a usual suspect, but in an unusual way. Seconds away from a Game 1 victory on the road, Tim Duncan hit a 3-pointer to send the game into overtime, a game the Spurs eventually won, and the Suns never recovered from. This is the type of adversity that builds character, toughness, and a do-whatever-it-takes-to-win type of attitude.

You'll notice a good majority of that heartbreak took place against the Spurs, the opponent they find themselves up 3-0 on now. Finally getting over the hump that is the Spurs will give them loads of confidence and a "this is our year" feeling in the locker room. It's reminiscent of the Dallas Mavericks in 2006, who were propelled to a Championship (wait, they lost?) after getting over their own hump of beating the Spurs in the conference semifinals. I see a similar path for these Suns. I like the way they matchup against the Lakers. The Lakers' biggest weakness is their second unit, which happens to be the Suns' strength. They will kill them in that aspect. Also, Derek Fisher is a great matchup with Nash. Nash won't have to kill himself on the defensive end, and should be able to penetrate on him with ease. You could argue that the two biggest weaknesses for the Lakers are the two biggest strengths for the Suns. Add in that they can throw the wily Grant Hill and the scrappy Jared Dudley at Kobe, and I believe that could lead to some frustrations.

So lets all get board with the Suns now. All the other teams are boring and you know it. LeBron is the most exciting boring superstar of all time. Nobody with half a brain could cheer for the Lakers. The Magic? They had their chance. The Suns have led the league in scoring five years in a row. They got Grant "Squeaky" Hill, out of the first round for the first time in his career. They got the least talked about superstar in the league, Amar'e-Qwang Stoudemire. I guarantee you'll like Jared Dudley. Jason Richardson's swish-3's are the prettiest shot in the league. They got something called a Goran Dragic carving up the Spurs in their biggest quarter of the season. And they got Steve Nash, how could anyone not root for him? Dirk does. I do. And yes, you will. And if I haven't convinced you yet, maybe this picture will...



His Nashness

2010 NBA Playoff First Round Predictions

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The Dirkness is back after a prolonged absence caused by a post-KU depression, the increasingly nice weather outside, and a sudden lack of creativity (causes unknown). So, before I dive in head first to the Draft next week, I thought I'd throw down some predictions on the REAL NBA season, you know the one where they actually try, most of the time anyways. The playoffs always go down the same way: I start out really excited, then I see a few games that the refs ruin and a few others that the refs decide the outcome, I debate whether the whole thing is fixed, and I end up half-heartedly watching the Finals. The over/under for the date that I question the legitimacy is May 11th, so place your bets now. I'll be breaking down each series with a few interesting tidbits including my rooting interest, my favorite player in the series, who the NBA wants to win, and a prediction that is guaranteed to be correct.

On to the picks...

Lets start in the East (which in this case is least):

Cleveland Cavaliers~Chicago Bulls: If LeBron really wants to win an NBA Title he should refrain from shooting any 3-pointers. Or just grow an afro.

Favorite Player: Joakim Noah- Rebounds like the big woman he looks like.

Rooting Interest: Da Bulls. I like D-Rose too (funny how a missed free throw is the difference between love and hatred for him).

NBA's pick: The LeBrons- Quick and painless.

Prediction: Cavs in 5.

Boston Celtics~Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade vs. Paul Pierce.

Favorite Player: Paul Pierce- The most underrated crunch time scorer in the NBA.

Rooting Interest: Celtics- Can't and won't ever get over the Heat's lame white-outs.

NBA's pick: Celtics- Deep into the series and filled with D-Wade free throws.

Prediction: Heat in 6. I'll take a Top 3 player over a team filled with grandpas.

Atlanta Hawks~Milwaukee Bucks: The most hotly contested first round series.

Favorite Player: Would be Andrew Bogut for his creation of a crazy section of fans that is free to them as long as they stand and cheer all game, but he is hurt. Lets go Brandon Jennings, first time I'll get to see him.

Rooting interest: The Milwaukee Bucks- Favorite team in the East while they last.

NBA's pick: To look the other way...

Prediction: Hawks in 7. My sleeper team in the East.

Orlando Magic~Charlotte Bobcats: The Magic's quest to validate choosing Vince Carter over Hedo Turkoglu (while everybody knows they were wrong).

Favorite Player: Mickael Pietrus- Can't stop the black frenchmen, although this Gerald Wallace character intrigues me.

Rooting interest: The Hornets, er, wait...the Bobcats? What?!?!

NBA's pick: Magic.

Prediction: Magic in 5.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Los Angeles Lakers~Oklahoma City Thunder: These playoffs will be defined by one thing and one thing only to me, if the Lakers win the title or not.

Favorite Player: The Durantula- The best player I have ever seen live. Immediately stated that he would be the best NBA player in 5 years...he still has two years left.

Rooting Interest: The oKC Thunder x 1000. If you cheer for the Lakers then I don't like you.

NBA's Pick: They want the Lakers to win, but they want to establish Durant as a star.

Prediction: Lakers in 6. Durant outplays Kobe.

Denver Nuggets~Utah Jazz: The Nugs don't have their mother bud. The Jazz won't have their AK47 or possibly even their Booze.

Favorite Player: Carlos Boozer- Exactly how I'd play if I were a 6'9 black man.

Rooting Interest: Whoever has the better chance of beating the Lakers, I'll say the Jazz.

NBA's pick: Kobe vs. Carmelo would whet their whistle.

Prediction: Jazz in 7. Nuggets haven't been the same since George Karl's been out with a cancer.

Phoenix Suns~Portland Trailblazers: The Blazers' unfortunate string of events continue with Brandon Roy missing this series.

Favorite Player: I love Roy's game but I'll go with Steve Nash- I have a feeling this might be his year, as long as they can avoid the Spurs, who own them.

Rooting Interest: Suns- I like the Blazers a lot, but would rather see a threat to the Lakers emerge.

NBA's pick: Close series.

Prediction: Suns in 5. Sleeper team in the West. I really see either a Cavs-Suns or a Lakers-Hawks Finals matchup.

Dallas Mavericks~San Antonio Spurs: They seemingly meet every postseason with the Mavs owning them ever since Dirk's And-1 Game 7 winner in 2006.

Favorite Player: Like you have to ask...Dirk fact- He is 27th on the NBA's all-time scoring list. If he averages 20 points a game and 80 games a season for the next five years, he will find himself in the Top 5. Bing, bang, boom.

Rooting Interest: The Dirks. He has fallen under the radar with the huge Free Agent class coming this offseason, but it'll be interesting to see if Cuban parts ways with Dirk if they fall short yet again. I want a Dirk-Nash reunion in New York. With LeBron as the third option.

NBA's pick: Should be for the Mavs. They owe them a title. Dirk Fact- Nowitzki's crunch-time performance this season, according to 82games.com (46.7 points per 48 minutes, 45.2% FG, 14.0 FTM, +98) was more efficient than anyone except LeBron (66.1 points per 48, 48.8 FG%, 21.0 FTM, +116). Yep, he's not clutch...

Prediction: Mavericks in 7. I think The Big Fundamental is 'Done'can. The Mavericks have much improved since the trade for Butler, Haywood, and DeShawn. I feel like they have a run in them, but also wouldn't be shocked to see them go down here due to the Spurs incredibly boring effectiveness.

Go Dirks!

2010 NBA Midseason Thoughts

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I thought I'd throw some 'ledge your way about the NBA, a sport that I have watched maybe a handful of games of so far this season. Does this make me qualified to write about the sport? I say yes, as long as the regular season remains as long and pointless as is. I do always enjoy the playoffs though, and expect this year to be no exception. I even enjoy the debate of which atrocity of play is more costly to the game, the lack of calling a clearly defined rule like traveling, or the flopping that makes it impossible to referee about half of the games. But, I'll appreciate it for what it is, a flawed game of skill that is being played at a really high level right now, forcing an incredible nucleus of young superstars to square off with great pressure to perform each night for their team to emerge victorious.

Let's take a look at some teams making noise in my head...

EASTERN CONFERENCE

Cleveland Cavaliers- This could be the biggest postseason, with the most ramifications riding on it, that we've seen from a team in my lifetime. I believe LeBaron's fate may very well rest on the shoulders of a championship. Think about it, something will be blamed for their loss, and it won't be him. He then contemplates that reason while trying to make his decision, and considers taking his chances elsewhere. And I don't think they will win it all. If you give me the choices of the Cavs, Lakers, or the field, I'm putting my money on the Lakers or the field over the Cavaliers. That means that I think, at the most, they have a 33% chance of winning it all. Which means I think there is at least a 67% chances that The LeBrontosaurus considers leaving. If they win the title he is staying.

New York Knicks- This might mean good news for the Knickerbockers. I think they have the best chance of catching LeBronchitis, aside from Cleveland. There's a good chance that Steve Nash will leave Phoenix and look at rejoining Mike D'Antoni in New York. They could get by giving him the special veteran exemption. They would still have room to sign two more players at or near the max level, let's say they get Chris Bosh and Joe Johnson. Throw in Steve Nash as well as Tracy McGrady, who is just glad to be playing the game and willing to play cheaply fresh off a max deal. That's a pretty good team there. I'd say things are looking up for the Knicks. And the outside shots of LeBronx, Nash, McGrady, and Wade are always fun. Or Dirk reuniting with Nash. Something crazy will happen though, mark my words, and the Knicks will be the most exciting team to watch next season.

Boston Celtics- Too old. They make me think of this Happy Gilmore quote, "But she's an old lady. I mean, look at her. She's old. You can't just take her stuff. She's too old." They just lost to the New Jersey Nets. That marks the end of a season. This leaves only the Magic and Hawks as challengers to Cleveland's conquest to keep LeBronco Nagurski.

Orlando Magic- Exchanged out Hedu Turkoglu (their best player in last year's playoffs) for Vince Carter. Some people saw this as an improvement, but I think they completely downgraded. However, I would support his revivalist party, if it comes to that, because I like players that can prove people wrong (including me). Also, I remain totally underwhelmed with Dwight Howard, who I'm convinced is too happy of a person to truly dominate. He should be evolving into Shaq, but I don't see it happening.

Atlanta Hawks- I predict them to be joining the Cavs in the Eastern Conference Finals. I like how all five of their starters all contribute pretty evenly and compliment each other's skills well. Mike Bibby, Joe Johnson, Marvin Williams, Josh Smith, and Al Horford (only missed one start amongst all five). Their style reminds me of KU's Championship team, which immediately became my favorite style of a team after they won it all.

Milwaukee Bucks- Just wanted to talk about how cool it is what Andrew Bogut is doing for Milwaukee. He bought one hundred court side seats for every home game of the season and gave them away to wild and crazy fans to enhance the atmosphere for home games. He literally had auditions for the tickets and people lose their seats if they miss games or don't stand and cheer from start to finish. This is such a great idea that I would support Bogut on just about any venture in life now. My first move as a sports owner would be to create a grading system of fans, and have the best fans sit closer for each game, and have only the best for the biggest games.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Dallas Mavericks- Back to contendership with the acquisitions of Brendan Haywood, Caron Butler, and my bearded mate, DeShawn Stevenson. Plus, the added bonus of addition by subtraction of Josh Howard. They have not lost since the trade, going 8-0, with wins over the Lakers and Hawks). Suddenly have a top 7 of Dirk, J-Kidd, Caron, Shawn Marion, Haywood, Jet Terry, and DeShawn (not to mention Lil' J.J. Barea). Mark Cuban remains the best owner in sports in terms of wanting to win (which is what I want out of an owner). I think we see the Mavericks take on the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals, dependant on Dirk's choice of hairstyle come playoff time. Don't let me down. Random Dirk fact of the post: He now ranks 32nd on the all-time scoring list. Who saw that coming from this guy...

Los Angeles Lakers- In my eyes, the overwhelming favorite, which pains me to say. With a title this year, it suddenly seems very possible for Kobe to equal and possibly even surpass Jordan's six. I don't see any way he could surpass him in my mind though, due to Kobe gaining extra years by coming straight from high school, and Jordan exiting the league for two years while in his prime (obviously because he was suspended for gambling). Kobe will have way better stats when it is all said and done though, and he took away the easiest evidence for Kobe haters to use by winning a title without Shaq.

OKC Thunder- Probably my second favorite team in the league right now, despite their obvious error in choice of colors (Thunder= Black and Yellow). After seeing Kevin Durant in college, I thought that he would be the best player in the NBA in five years. We are 2 years away from that. I think he will win an NBA title before LeBronius. The Thunda have the best young nucleus in the league, beginning with the Durantula (21!!!!!!!), swinging towards Russell Westbrook (21) and Jeff Green (23), and finishing with James Harden (20) and Serge Ibaka (20). I envision them to be competing for a title come 2010-11.


Predictions

Eastern: Hawks over LeBronze
Western: Lakers over Dirks
Finals: Lakers over Hawks

Dirkness