Monday, July 22, 2013

The Challenge: Rivals II - Power Rankings Week 2

Bill Simmons calls the Real World/Road Rules Challenge (or as it's more commonly known, ReWoRoRuChallllllenge) America's 5th professional sport.

I'm taking it a step further.

Obviously, nobody cares about baseball. I love soccer on the international level, but no one league can stand up to The Challenge by itself. And everybody knows the WNBA peaks at its Draft.

The NBA is great if you're a fan of one of the five or so teams who represent the 1% (or if you enjoy 18 month long Free Agency discussions). College Basketball has the single greatest event in life (followed closely by the Lenexa BBQ and the Challenge finale, in that order), but I can hardly bring myself to care about the first three months of the season.


College Football is still great, although watching Alabama win tainted National Championship after N.C. is getting a bit tiresome. And the NFL, well, I mean….HOLY SHIT, THE NFL STARTS IN LESS THAN TWO MONTHS!!!

Which brings us back to The Challenge. I say it's the second best sport behind football, and the third best league behind the NFL and NCAAF. In addition, this season's Challenge combines the return of some savvy vets, some previously unknown before the last Challenge sophomores, and the best format the show has to offer: Rivals.

So I thought I'd do a weekly whenever the hell I feel like it edition of ReWoRoRuRahhhRahhhhh Power Rankings.

1. T.J. Lavin & He Killed It

Always, and forever. How bout that dagger Lavs delivered following Anastasia's panic attacky loss in The Jungle last week… "I guess she shouldn't smoke cigarettes and not eat." Daaaaaaaaaamn, Teej! I can't wait for these two to be paired up on Rivals III.

2. Emily & Paula 

The overwhelming female favorites. Paula has the brains (not actual smarts, obviously, just friends with many of the veterans) while Emily has the braun (she a beast). These two have won both of the first two challenges.

3. Johnny & Frank

Bananas is the best in the biz. Not only at politicking, but also knowing what to say to get the most air time ("God, I HATE my partner," "This season is gonna SUCK," "Ooh, that is the most ____ in Challenge history!" Also, Frank did a podcast with Grantland this week, which is highly enjoyable.

4. Trey & Zach

Have won both of the first two challenges. I give Bananas' team the edge because I think he rallies the veterans in effort to eliminate Zach The Zolden Zod's zquad before the finale.

5. CT & Wes

My original favorites in the male division, but I don't think CT, or as he was better known at birth: Cannibalistic Titan, can control himself all season. It almost seems more likely that CT gets booted from the show for fighting than somebody beating this duo in a challenge.

6. "XXX Challenge"

Wow, what a challenge last week. The producers actually came up with a challenge so gay that both the flamboyantly gay guy (Preston) and the flamboyantly straight guy (Wes) thought it was too gay to participate in. You win again, Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

7. Sarah & Trishelle

There names popped up during last week's deliberation because there isn't anybody, anywhere who likes a girl named Trishelle. But Sarah is still a beastess in challenges and most likely Emily's top competitor.

8. Cara Maria & Cooke

Two good athletes who earned bonus points with Cooke peeing all over herself and Cara Maria not thinking it was gross at all, laughing it off. My sleeper girls to win it all.

9. Leroy & Ty

Alls I want to see this season is any combination of Leroy v. Zach v. CT in The Jungle. The Challenge gods must appease. However, this duo is penalized because of the inevitable Ty meltdown looming, in which he threatens to quit. Happens every season.

10. Aneesa & Diem

These vets got politics on their side, but they could never win a final Challenge. Also, Diem's boobs look weird. To borrow this season's catchphrase, "not a good look."

11. Camila & Jemmye

Haven't understood a single word either of these two have said the entire time, I think I need someone who drinks CAMO 900 to translate. But, hot diggity, look at them bitches thrust!

12. Derek & Robb

These guys are boring, so here's something interesting - The Challenge doesn't allow dark liquor in the house. Only clear stuff. And wine. And beer. And computer keyboard spray (listen to the Frank podcast!).

13. Jordan & Marlon

Props to Jordan for scoring him some Sarah Michelle Gettin' it on in the closet this week (they even did it in the same spot as CT and Anastasia, making them Challengkimo Bros, I think).

14. Jasmine & Theresa

Jasmine sucks at challenges, sure, but she dominated that mid-commercial segment of the first week when she flat walked into a glass door/window and hit the deck. For you DVR'ers, these segments are must watch.

15. Jonna & Nany

I don't recall the specifics, but I remember thinking Jonna was a loathsome person after her exit from last season's Challenge. Thus, her power ranking suffers.

16. Knight & Preston

Peacekeeper Knight cracks me up. And he's always in the middle of fights in the house somehow. But they have a penalty coming their way next challenge because the gay dude couldn't handle the gay challenge.

His Dirkness