FanDuel NFL Week 3: Fuck, Marry, Kill

The FMK's are back, baby. Last week's article didn't come to fruition because I literally cried my ass off all over my CPU. It was messy, to say the least.

But I'm alright. As Chiefs fans, we've become somewhat accustomed to handling this level of sporture (that's sports torture for you squares). Not to mention, I'm watching the final season of Weeds right now, so you know I have a high tolerance level for this type of stuff.

A quick refresher on the format of this article since we're still in the beginning stages…

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Enter The Dirk League for Week 3 on FanDuel

Most of you know the game "Fuck, Marry, Kill." If you don't, here's an explanation, via FuckMarryKill.com (along with how I will apply it to FanDuel in parentheses):

~Fuck: This is your hit it and quit it option. It could be great while it lasts but they're better suited for a booty-call than a relationship ... (Low cost sleeper who's matchup dependent - great this week, maybe not so much next week).

~Marry: This one's good for the long term. Bring 'em home to mom, buy a home, raise a family, and spend a lifetime with them ... (High dollar stud who's gonna make it worth your while to break the bank on him this week).

~Kill: This is the one you can't stand the site of. Rid them from your life completely. (Hard pass who you don't want any part of this week).

I've even added a new wrinkle this week - Facebook pokes! - which will simply list some other guys I like at each position. Lets get it...

Quarterback

Fuck - Nick Foles ($6500) - And no, not because he looks just like Vera Farmiga (although that is part of it). The Steelers pass defense is the real temptress here -- an opposing QB's best friend on FanDuel (Kaepernick went for 335-2 last week). Not only is their pass defense awful, their offense might be the best in the league, so points will be scored every week. And garbage points taste just as good as regular points on FanDuel.

Marry - Andrew Luck ($9000) - The NFL is so great. The Seahawks, Colts, Ravens and Eagles all 0-2. Do you realize that was 4 of the top 7 teams favored to win the Super Bowl before the season? I expect Week 3 to bring a sense or urgency to each of these teams. It's put up or shut up time. And I think this Andrew Luck guy is still pretty good. I don't think he just lost it overnight. I expect him to go off against an overmatched Titans defense.

Kill - Tom Brady ($8700) - I know, I know, the low hanging fruit is there - Jacksonville at home. Chalk this one up to a hunch though. Outside of the '07-fuck-yo-momma Patriots, they have a tendency to play these types of games close, keeping their cards close to their hand. They also tend to zig when you think they'll zag. So Brady threw the ball 59 times last week. The Fun n' Gun Patriots! Not so fast, my friends. I'm feeling a 20-14 Pats victory where Brady throws for under 200 and LaGarrette finds a leftover Blount or two in the ashtray.

Facebook pokes - Russell Wilson, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Marcus Mariota, Josh McCown

Running Backs

Fuck - Latavius Murray ($7000) - Welcome to 2014's worst run defense, which is also 2015's worst run defense through 2 games (even though they held a 21-0 lead in one of those games) - The Cleveland Browns!!! (P.S. Roy Helu can't even see the field in Oakland. There should be 25 teams on the phone trying to acquire him, great receiving back.)

Marry - Jamaal Charles ($8700) - Ohhh, the anger on the sidelines. Taking all the blame after the game. Ten days of rest. Monday Night Football. QB coming off a subpar game. Going on the road to a hostile environment. Opposing offense you want to keep off the field. And a Packers defense that allowed 141 yards on the ground to Grandpa Forte. All over Jamaal this week.

Kill - C.J. Anderson ($7300) - The Kubiak scheme is weird. For whatever reason, some RB's just flourish in it. And I like Ronnie Hillman as the guy most likely to join Justin Forsett, Olandis Gary and Reuben Droughns at the 4am craps table.

Facebook pokes - Frank Gore, TJ Yeldon, Ryan Mathews/Darren Sproles (if DeMarco sits)

Wide Receivers

Fuck - Brandon Marshall ($7400) - Dude's got 13-163-2 so far on the season, squaring up against Joe Haden and Vontae Davis, two of the best CB's in the league. Now the Eagles come to town, still playing fast, just not, yanno, scoring fast. Their top CB has been a yuuuuge bust. Eric Decker might not play. Fahgeddaboutit.

Marry - A.J. Green ($8000) - Despite the two WR studs being worth every penny this week (Julio, Antonio), I'm going with AJG in order to share this FanDuel strategy with you - When a team's clear cut #1 WR is coming off a bad game, I believe that team will specifically draw up their gameplan to get him involved early and often. Given the egocentric nature of the position, it's best to keep these guys happy. Last week, you saw it with Allen Robinson. You saw it with ODB. Calvin Johnson saw 17 targets. Greg Olsen had 14. AJG struggled in Week 1. And they responded by getting him the ball early last week (1st quarter TD), just not often. I think he goes off this week, even with a tough matchup against Jimmy Smith, who he got the better of last season.

Kill - Andre Johnson ($6800) - He looks kinda done. It felt like Luck didn't even look his way on MNF. Every once in a while, they'd force a quick throw to him, but it wasn't in the flow of the offense. I'd definitely go with Hilton or Moncrief for your stack with Luck this week.

Facebook pokes - Antonio, Julio, Steve Smith, Jordan Matthews (I still believe!), Amari Cooper, Allen Robinson, Stevie Johnson

Tight Ends

Gronk (the new TE Fuck) - Jared Cook ($5400) - Cheap is tough at TE this week with Jordan Reed playing Thursday and Tyler Eifert's price hike. Should be points in Rams/Steelers and Cook has seen targets so far. I'd spend up though.

Marry - Jimmy Graham ($6300) - I don't think he's a good option all season, but the opportunity to force feed him the ball will be there this week against an atrocious Bears team that got even atrociouser after Cutler's injury. Also, see: AJ Green, above.

Kill - Jason Witten ($6000) - You might think so since Dez Bryant is out, but here's the mid-week update on the Cowboys TE - "Witten has brushed off a sprained knee and two sprained ankles suffered Sunday in order to take part in the initial practice of the week." Yah, no thanks.

Facebook pokes - Gronk, Kelce, Eifert, Olsen, Martellus - all the usual suspects

Kickers

Fuck - Josh Lambo ($4500) - I've had a few people ask me my strategy on kickers. I will typically start a fresh lineup with a few players I'm specifically targeting, then insert the cheapest K/DEF that I like that week. Then I fill out the rest of my roster and if I have any money leftover, I go back to upgrade the K/DEF. And that's how FanDuel babies are made.

Marry - Ummmm, Nick Folk! ($4600)

Kill - Josh Scobee ($4600) - The Steelers are gonna give this 2 point conversion thing a go, God bless them. But that means Scobee won't see those XP freebies, which is enough for me not to ever play him.

Defense

Fuck - Jets ($4500) - I say Darrelle Revis is as dominant a player as JJ Watt, but we just don't see it. While you can watch Watt on every defensive snap, WR's just disappear off your screen onto Revis Island. His impact isn't nearly as tangible to the television viewer. But I believe he made the difference for the Patriots last season. And I believe he makes the Jets the best defense in the NFL this season.

Marry - Panthers ($4600) - Everybody will be on Seattle/New England this week, and justifiably so, but if you want to save a few dollars, the Panthers are hosting a struggling Saints team that may have the worse McCown brother under center.

Kill - Broncos ($4600) - Just fucking die.

My #1 FanDuel Lineup

QB - Andrew Luck
RB - Jamaal Charles
RB - Latavius Murray
WR - Donte Moncrief
WR - Brandon Marshall
WR - Allen Robinson
TE - Greg Olsen
K - Nick Folk
DEF - Patriots

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Enter The Dirk League for Week 3 on FanDuel

Just one thing, Dude - do you have to use so many cuss words?

His Dirkness

Congratulations Chiefs Fans: 3-0

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"The End of the Dark Ages"

In the immortal words of Joe Namath on that painfully repeated NFL Network commercial, "We did it...We did it." Fans that stuck with the Chiefs through these last three seasons have paid their dues and can now sit back and enjoy relevancy once again. We have seen mountaintop (or maybe in this case, mountainbottom) and it was pretty bleak. Ten wins in three seasons (or more specifically. a 3-30 stretch from '07-'09) is enough to turn off even the most devoted of fans. I ask, though, does it not make it all the sweeter? Is success really that enjoyable without the proper context of what failure feels like? For example, ask a Colts fan how much fun the regular season is nowadays. It's more of a process and a waiting period for the playoffs for them. It's like preseason. So I'd like to personally (Dirkally) dedicate this 3-0 start to those fans that stayed loyal to the Chiefs, who gutted out the tenures of Eddie Drummond, Lance Long, Rocky Boiman, and Mike Goff and games like the 2007 13-10 OT loss to the Jets (maybe the worst played game ever), giving up 54 points to the (now unemployed) Trent Edwards led Bills in 2008, and last year's 44-13 home defeat to the hated Broncos (which I don't even remember). Enjoy everything all this week, all bye week, and all season because the Chiefs are back, and most likely here to stay for a while.

The great part about our situation is that the players have gone, and are going, through much of the same things that us, the fans, are. We have this young nucleus of talent that has all gone through the growing pains of the last three seasons together and are now growing up together. Together. And we have Scott Pioli to thank for a lot of that, but we also have to give a secondary thank you to Dr. Herman Edwards for that 2008 draft class (Dorsey, Albert, Flowers, Charles, Carr- Wowza). Combine that with the quickest impacting draft class I HAVE EVER SEEN (Berry, McCluster, Arenas, Moeaki, Lewis), and you might be looking at the most young talent on any team in the league. They seem to all like playing together and seem to feed off each other's energy, which is a unique quality that most great teams have. And it's all happened so unbelievably quickly, that it's hard to remember just how disjointed our team looked at times last year. We went from a faint resemblance of an NFL team to what will be one of three remaining undefeated teams after tonight (KC, Pitt, GB/Chi).

If anybody out there still doubts how important coaching in the NFL is, then they need to closely examine what the Chiefs have been doing this year. Todd Haley took his lumps last year, but he painted Mike Singletary's face white yesterday in the 31-3 victory (wait, they scored a TD?). He embarrassed Singletary by taking advantage of his old school beliefs with a little new age strategery. He played mind games with him on a 4th and 1 before, surprisingly, just going for it (get that man a Guinness!) and converting easily. His next move was a surprise onside kick that would've worked to perfection if not for an offsides penalty. Haley then capped it off with a Wildcat reverse flea-flicker executed beautifully. Checkmate! People have criticized him for his use of the JamaAL/Tom Jones duet this year, but I'd say the #1 rushing offense in the NFL is proof of proper management (he's clearly saving Charles so he can last the whole season while feeding the workhorse that is Jonesy). Haley has grown up as an NFL coach at the same rate as his young nucleus of players. Like a perfect storm.

That paragraph was supposed to include some Romeo Crennel love, but instead, he'll have to get his own, along with the rest of the defense, the most surprising phase of the 2010 Chiefs. Obviously, Colonel Crennel has been the biggest difference maker, but the defensive line has been the most improved aspect of the defense. Ball grabbin' Shaun Smith might be my new favorite player (Check this), and might be in the process of taking Tyson Jackson's job too (more about Smith than Jackson). Ron Edwards seems like a new player and is much improved. Wallace Gilberry is a quarterback pressure waiting to happen. And, Glenn Dorsey, well, he's the best player on the line (hopefully a few years away from Seymour territory). We absolutely owned the line against the 49ers on both sides of the ball (rushing yards 207-43 in KC's favor) against a team with a top 5 fantasy Running Back along with (what was) the #6 rushing defense. Oh yea, and Brandon Flowers is playing at a rate of one outstanding play per game (he is Pro Bowl bound). But, the ring leader is Crennel, who has formed this near identical personnel grouping into the #2 scoring defense in the NFL.

The only thing that hasn't gone our way so far this year is the positioning of the bye week. Why why why can we not get back on the field next week? Can we just challenge another team on a bye to a pickup game to keep our momentum going? The Chiefs face their two toughest games of the year once returning from the bye, at Indianapolis and then at Houston. Nobody will be picking the Chiefs in either contest. But, this just in, the Chiefs haven't been favored in any of their three victories yet this year! If they can come away with a split from those two games, they will be good to go with the next seven games (Jac, Buff, @Oak, @Den, Zona, @Sea, Den) all very winnable. Plus, what if what we saw yesterday was a better representation of what the Chiefs really are, and the first two games were just examples of them winning games while not playing their best (a sure sign of a good team)? Regardless, the Chiefs are relevant once again, and while that carries some value for the casual fans out there, it has an indescribable value to those of us that have stuck around through it all.

His Dirkness

Quick NFL Picks ~ Week 3

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After studying my Power Rankings, it's becoming apparent to me that in order for the Chiefs to make the playoffs they'll need to win the AFC West (9 of my top 13 teams reside in the AFC). This means that the outcomes of the Chargers games are just as important as the outcomes of Chiefs games (this is under the somewhat dangerous assumption that neither the Broncos or Raiders will compete for the division crown). So, remember when rooting on the Chiefs during these Sundays that (thankfully!) are plenty meaningful, to cheer just as hard against a Whale's Vagina.

Week 1 Record: 9-7
Week 2 Record: 12-4
Total: 21-11

Week 3 picks....

KANSAS CITY over San Francisco-W
NEW ENGLAND over Buffalo-W
Atlanta over NEW ORLEANS-W
Pittsburgh over TAMPA BAY-W
Tennessee over NY GIANTS-W
MINNESOTA over Detroit-W
BALTIMORE over Cleveland-W
Cincinnati over CAROLINA-W
HOUSTON over Dallas-L
Washington over ST. LOUIS-L
Philadelphia over JACKSONVILLE-W
SEATTLE over San Diego-W
Oakland over ARIZONA-L
Indianapolis over DENVER-W
MIAMI over Ny Jets-L
Green Bay over CHICAGO-L

Dirk

2010 College Football Top 25: Week 3

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I must begin my weekly look at College Football by waxing poetic about Bo Pelini and his decision to start freshman speedster Taylor Martinez. I am on record of saying that Zac Lee had to be the choice at quarterback, given the expectations for this year, but I think that stance would be near impossible to keep in hindsight. T-Mart looks a little uncomfortable in straight drop back passing, but his pure running abilities make that a moot point. Running quarterbacks are taking the nation by storm, with T-Mobile joining Denard Robinson (The Nard Dog), Terrelle Pryor, and Jake Locker (Ha!) as early season stories. Seriously, Jake Locker? His numbers from Saturday deserve their own paragraph, here goes...

Locker: 4-20, 71 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

It was reminiscent of the beating that Rufus put on Brutus earlier in the day....



Has a top flight quarterback ever gone 4 of 20 in a game before? Barring he was going up against an above average professional secondary in Nebraska (good luck finding open receivers facing the Blackshirts). Even before this game, I was baffled how he was so highly rated. He's not that good folks. I heard Mel Kiper on the radio immediately following the game with egg all over his face spitting out crow feathers (he had Locker rated as the best player for the 2011 NFL Draft).

Anyways, back to the waxing. It take some major cojones for Pelini to choose T-Mart over incumbent Zac Lee given the circumstances (high expectations, final year in Big 12, early test on the road). He knocked it out of the park though. Now we have four full years of this cat, with zero chance of him leaving school early. You're welcome Big 12 for sparing you three of those years. On to the rankings, gaining steam every week...

Dirkness' Top 25:

1. Ohio St. (3-0)
2. Oregon (3-0)
3. Alabama (3-0)
4. Nebraska (3-0)
5. Oklahoma (3-0)
6. Boise St. (2-0)
7. TCU (3-0)
8. Stanford (3-0)
9. Arkansas (3-0)
10. Arizona (3-0)
11. Texas (3-0)
12. Florida (3-0)
13. South Carolina (3-0)
14. Iowa (2-1)
15. Wisconsin (3-0)
16. Auburn (3-0)
17. LSU (3-0)
18. Michigan (3-0)
19. Miami (1-1)
20. Utah (3-0)
21. Nevada (3-0)
22. Fresno St. (3-0)
23. Oregon St. (1-1)
24. Georgia Tech (2-1)
25. Temple (3-0)


New to the rankings: Auburn, Nevada, Fresno St, Georgia Tech, Temple
Dropped from the rankings: Houston, Cal, Clemson, Texas A&M, Georgia

Biggest Rise: Arkansas~12 spots (21 to 9)
Biggest Fall: Iowa~8 spots (6 to 14)

Most Overrated Team (Dirkness to USA Today): Texas (11th/4th)/Utah (20th/13th)~7 spots
Most Underrated Team: Stanford (2 weeks in a row)~9 spots (17th/8th)

Top 25: Week 2

Top 25: Week 1

His Dirkness

2010 College Football ~ Upset Saturday

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Last week may have had more prestigious matchups, where traditionalists were rewarded with recognizable uniform clashes, but this week could prove to be much more significant. Their's only one bout involving two Dirkness ranked teams- (6) Iowa at (16)Arizona- in what seems like a passover Saturday. But, nah-unh, not so fast my friends! Many of the top teams have potential stumbling blocks (some more hidden than others). What do I see a chance for? Upset Saturday (not good for thy Huskers). So I'm gonna lay some of these out for all of you to see, and let you know which of them have the best chance of happening.

I'll be rating them in Not so Fast my Friends's! (This, of course, is in reference to Lee Corso, who became a Dirkness favorite after predicting Nebraska to win the National Championship). The more NsFmF's the greater chance I believe there is to be an upset, with 5 being the greatest. That's a 0-5 scale, low chance-high chance. With me? Let's boogie...

Games (teams ranked according to Dirkness Top 25):

11am- Kent St at Penn St- Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. The Golden Flashes are my surprise team out of the MAC so how could I turn my back on them now? This is more of a testament to how bad Penn St. might be this year (they were never in that game with Alabama). They lost too much from last year, so hopefully JoePoo can grunt out another year. 1.5 NsFmF's.


2:30- Air Force at (4)Oklahoma- Did this one slip by you when looking over this week? Don't let it. Air Force beat BYU who beat Washington who might beat Nebraska who almost beat Texas last year. Think about that. But, seriously, Air Force runs a difficult offense to prepare for and Oklahoma struggled with Utah St in the first game of the year. If they're ready, it won't be close, but if they aren't....3.5 NsFmF's.

2:30- USC at Minnesota- Wait, that's right, USC is no longer relevant. No further comment. 2 NsFmF's.

2:30- (9)Nebraska at Washington- Absolutely terrified of this game. If you noticed my Preseason Predictions I had them losing a non-conference game. It wasn't to Idaho. I can't shake a rainy game nightmare of getting behind 10-14 points on something like a punt return out of my head. Why won't it leave? I'm confident in our guys as long as we don't get behind two scores. That changes everything. What QB do we play? Stick with T-Mart (way better than T-Magic)? Incumbent Zac Lee appears to have no chance of playing this year. Cody Green was very erratic last year. We will have to deal with a deficit at some point this year. But, there is also the chance we beat the Starbucks out of the future first-round bust for the Arizona Cardinals, Jake Locker. I'm predicting Nebraska 21, Washington 20 in a comeback victory. 4 NsFmF's.

2:30- (3)Alabama at Duke- Maybe not, but it is the matchup of the past National Champions in football and basketball. Hopefully, Greg Paulus is playing. Maybe they should bowl to decide the ultimate college champion. Or play Flip Cup. 0 NsFmF's.

3:30- Baylor at (7)TCU- One of these games starting in the afternoon will see an upset on Saturday (or atleast a major scare), so you better find one you like. Upsets always seem to breed other upsets though. Baylor's QB Robert Lee Griffin III appears to be at full strength after missing all of last year. I'm expecting big things from Lil' Baylor this year, and for them to finally break their bowl-less streak This one goes into the 4th quarter. 2.5 NsFmF's.

7- (5)Boise St at Wyoming- I made mention of this at the end of my Article on Boise St. and I meant it. Wyoming gave Texas fits for a half last week. However, if I hear one other person on espn say this before Saturday, the deal is off. It needs privacy like airing it on Fox Sports Mountain Hills will give it. Keep an eye on SM West graduate (poppin' up all over these days) WR David Leonard, who leads them in receptions. 2 NsFmF's.

7- (14)Texas at Texas Tech- The Longhorns have turned in two subpar 1st half's this season. Lil' G.G. Allin (Garrett Gilbert) is the Kevin Kolb of College Football. Everyone assumed he would be a minimized step down from Colt McCoy (Kolb to McNabb), when there was every reason to think it would be a gigantic leap. You're replacing two all-timers. Meanwhile, the Bell Ringin' Red Raiders have averaged 43.5 points so far this season. Maybe Mike Leach's B.O. remained behind. Wait, that's Lubbock's natural smell? 4 NsFmF's.

9:30- (6)Iowa at (16)Arizona- The best game on paper of the weekend. The Hawkeyes beat Arizona 27-17 last year in Iowa City. This time they head to Tuscon. Arizona has a promptly spelled RB named Nic Grigsby. Iowa made my revised National Championship prediction (along with Oregon), which may be more of a kiss of doom than anything. 3 NsFmF's.