Thursday, September 24, 2015

FanDuel NFL Week 3: Fuck, Marry, Kill

The FMK's are back, baby. Last week's article didn't come to fruition because I literally cried my ass off all over my CPU. It was messy, to say the least.

But I'm alright. As Chiefs fans, we've become somewhat accustomed to handling this level of sporture (that's sports torture for you squares). Not to mention, I'm watching the final season of Weeds right now, so you know I have a high tolerance level for this type of stuff.

A quick refresher on the format of this article since we're still in the beginning stages…

***If you're new to FanDuel, follow this link and click the yellow tab in the top right corner, and put in promo code DIRK to get special savings and make me monies***

Enter The Dirk League for Week 3 on FanDuel

Most of you know the game "Fuck, Marry, Kill." If you don't, here's an explanation, via (along with how I will apply it to FanDuel in parentheses):

~Fuck: This is your hit it and quit it option. It could be great while it lasts but they're better suited for a booty-call than a relationship ... (Low cost sleeper who's matchup dependent - great this week, maybe not so much next week).

~Marry: This one's good for the long term. Bring 'em home to mom, buy a home, raise a family, and spend a lifetime with them ... (High dollar stud who's gonna make it worth your while to break the bank on him this week).

~Kill: This is the one you can't stand the site of. Rid them from your life completely. (Hard pass who you don't want any part of this week).

I've even added a new wrinkle this week - Facebook pokes! - which will simply list some other guys I like at each position. Lets get it...


Fuck - Nick Foles ($6500) - And no, not because he looks just like Vera Farmiga (although that is part of it). The Steelers pass defense is the real temptress here -- an opposing QB's best friend on FanDuel (Kaepernick went for 335-2 last week). Not only is their pass defense awful, their offense might be the best in the league, so points will be scored every week. And garbage points taste just as good as regular points on FanDuel.

Marry - Andrew Luck ($9000) - The NFL is so great. The Seahawks, Colts, Ravens and Eagles all 0-2. Do you realize that was 4 of the top 7 teams favored to win the Super Bowl before the season? I expect Week 3 to bring a sense or urgency to each of these teams. It's put up or shut up time. And I think this Andrew Luck guy is still pretty good. I don't think he just lost it overnight. I expect him to go off against an overmatched Titans defense.

Kill - Tom Brady ($8700) - I know, I know, the low hanging fruit is there - Jacksonville at home. Chalk this one up to a hunch though. Outside of the '07-fuck-yo-momma Patriots, they have a tendency to play these types of games close, keeping their cards close to their hand. They also tend to zig when you think they'll zag. So Brady threw the ball 59 times last week. The Fun n' Gun Patriots! Not so fast, my friends. I'm feeling a 20-14 Pats victory where Brady throws for under 200 and LaGarrette finds a leftover Blount or two in the ashtray.

Facebook pokes - Russell Wilson, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Marcus Mariota, Josh McCown

Running Backs

Fuck - Latavius Murray ($7000) - Welcome to 2014's worst run defense, which is also 2015's worst run defense through 2 games (even though they held a 21-0 lead in one of those games) - The Cleveland Browns!!! (P.S. Roy Helu can't even see the field in Oakland. There should be 25 teams on the phone trying to acquire him, great receiving back.)

Marry - Jamaal Charles ($8700) - Ohhh, the anger on the sidelines. Taking all the blame after the game. Ten days of rest. Monday Night Football. QB coming off a subpar game. Going on the road to a hostile environment. Opposing offense you want to keep off the field. And a Packers defense that allowed 141 yards on the ground to Grandpa Forte. All over Jamaal this week.

Kill - C.J. Anderson ($7300) - The Kubiak scheme is weird. For whatever reason, some RB's just flourish in it. And I like Ronnie Hillman as the guy most likely to join Justin Forsett, Olandis Gary and Reuben Droughns at the 4am craps table.

Facebook pokes - Frank Gore, TJ Yeldon, Ryan Mathews/Darren Sproles (if DeMarco sits)

Wide Receivers

Fuck - Brandon Marshall ($7400) - Dude's got 13-163-2 so far on the season, squaring up against Joe Haden and Vontae Davis, two of the best CB's in the league. Now the Eagles come to town, still playing fast, just not, yanno, scoring fast. Their top CB has been a yuuuuge bust. Eric Decker might not play. Fahgeddaboutit.

Marry - A.J. Green ($8000) - Despite the two WR studs being worth every penny this week (Julio, Antonio), I'm going with AJG in order to share this FanDuel strategy with you - When a team's clear cut #1 WR is coming off a bad game, I believe that team will specifically draw up their gameplan to get him involved early and often. Given the egocentric nature of the position, it's best to keep these guys happy. Last week, you saw it with Allen Robinson. You saw it with ODB. Calvin Johnson saw 17 targets. Greg Olsen had 14. AJG struggled in Week 1. And they responded by getting him the ball early last week (1st quarter TD), just not often. I think he goes off this week, even with a tough matchup against Jimmy Smith, who he got the better of last season.

Kill - Andre Johnson ($6800) - He looks kinda done. It felt like Luck didn't even look his way on MNF. Every once in a while, they'd force a quick throw to him, but it wasn't in the flow of the offense. I'd definitely go with Hilton or Moncrief for your stack with Luck this week.

Facebook pokes - Antonio, Julio, Steve Smith, Jordan Matthews (I still believe!), Amari Cooper, Allen Robinson, Stevie Johnson

Tight Ends

Gronk (the new TE Fuck) - Jared Cook ($5400) - Cheap is tough at TE this week with Jordan Reed playing Thursday and Tyler Eifert's price hike. Should be points in Rams/Steelers and Cook has seen targets so far. I'd spend up though.

Marry - Jimmy Graham ($6300) - I don't think he's a good option all season, but the opportunity to force feed him the ball will be there this week against an atrocious Bears team that got even atrociouser after Cutler's injury. Also, see: AJ Green, above.

Kill - Jason Witten ($6000) - You might think so since Dez Bryant is out, but here's the mid-week update on the Cowboys TE - "Witten has brushed off a sprained knee and two sprained ankles suffered Sunday in order to take part in the initial practice of the week." Yah, no thanks.

Facebook pokes - Gronk, Kelce, Eifert, Olsen, Martellus - all the usual suspects


Fuck - Josh Lambo ($4500) - I've had a few people ask me my strategy on kickers. I will typically start a fresh lineup with a few players I'm specifically targeting, then insert the cheapest K/DEF that I like that week. Then I fill out the rest of my roster and if I have any money leftover, I go back to upgrade the K/DEF. And that's how FanDuel babies are made.

Marry - Ummmm, Nick Folk! ($4600)

Kill - Josh Scobee ($4600) - The Steelers are gonna give this 2 point conversion thing a go, God bless them. But that means Scobee won't see those XP freebies, which is enough for me not to ever play him.


Fuck - Jets ($4500) - I say Darrelle Revis is as dominant a player as JJ Watt, but we just don't see it. While you can watch Watt on every defensive snap, WR's just disappear off your screen onto Revis Island. His impact isn't nearly as tangible to the television viewer. But I believe he made the difference for the Patriots last season. And I believe he makes the Jets the best defense in the NFL this season.

Marry - Panthers ($4600) - Everybody will be on Seattle/New England this week, and justifiably so, but if you want to save a few dollars, the Panthers are hosting a struggling Saints team that may have the worse McCown brother under center.

Kill - Broncos ($4600) - Just fucking die.

My #1 FanDuel Lineup

QB - Andrew Luck
RB - Jamaal Charles
RB - Latavius Murray
WR - Donte Moncrief
WR - Brandon Marshall
WR - Allen Robinson
TE - Greg Olsen
K - Nick Folk
DEF - Patriots

***If you're new to FanDuel, follow this link and click the yellow tab in the top right corner, and put in promo code DIRK to get special savings and make me monies***

Enter The Dirk League for Week 3 on FanDuel

Just one thing, Dude - do you have to use so many cuss words?

His Dirkness

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