Friday, December 4, 2015

FanDuel NFL Week 13: Fuck, Marry, Kill

Come with me. Hail Mary, run quick see.

Just a quick recap: This season the Detroit Lions nearly lost to the Packers via an onside kick recovery and a Hail Mary. That would've been deserving of its own award. One that only Detroit and Cleveland are capable of competing for.

But can we cool down on the Rodgers da Gawd talk today? He wasn't good for a majority of last night, just as he hasn't played up to his standards for a majority of this season.

Look, Rodgers deserves plenty of praise for lots of different things, but last night wasn't really one of them. It's just an easy thing for people to say, who don't really have an opinion, but still want their voice to be heard. It's sports small talk. It's a single serving conversation about the weather.

Last night he was bailed out by a lateral play, a facemask call, and a Hail Mary. Essentially, the Illuminati. That isn't clutch, as many have suggested. Clutch, atleast in my opinion, is the ability to come through when there is pressure to perform.

There's no pressure on a Hail Mary. It's just dumb luck. It's like winning the lottery. You wouldn't call somebody who just won $10 on a scratcher clutch ... or would you?

Regardless, this is exactly why my picks for this week will be so clutch. Because FanDuel is a game of skill. Not luck. Suck it, Jeb.

On to the Week 13 FMK's (find an older post for FMK explanations)...

***If you're new to FanDuel, follow this link and click the yellow tab in the top right corner, and put in promo code DIRK to get special savings and make me monies***

Enter The Milhouse League for Week 13 on FanDuel


Fuck - Marcus Mariota ($7100) - I like a number of QB's in this price range, but Mariota is my favorite because he'll be low owned, has a high ceiling, and the only way Tennessee will be able to move the ball on Jacksonville is through the air.

Marry - Cameron Newton ($9000) - Chalkity, chalk, chalkkkkk. Cam will be the highest owned QB by far this week, so I won't have too much of him. However, every week I expect Newton, and the Panthers offense in general, to come back down to earth, and it just hasn't happened yet. It'd be funny if that were to finally happen against this putrid Saints defense.  

Kill - Tom Brady ($9400) - You want to know what was clutch? Tom Brady's drive to tie the game in Denver with one NFL quality receiver on the field. This is an interesting spot because the Eagles gave up defense for Lent or Hannukah or whatever witchcraft Chip Kelly believes in. But I can't spend this much on a QB of such a battered team - No Gronk, no Edelman, no Dion Lewis. No Brady.

Facebook pokes - Eli Manning, Matt Ryan, Jay Cutler, Alex Smith

Running Back

Fuck - Shaun Draughn ($5900) - My favorite play on the board this week. He played every snap last game. He catches passes. He hasn't produced huge yet, but he's played the Seahawks, Cardinals and Falcons (good run D's). Meanwhile, the Bears have the 29th ranked run defense. And he comes from Running Back University - (No, not UNC) Kansas City! Where every backup RB flourishes. 

FUCK - David Johnson ($5900) - That's right, my first ever double fuck. Marriage seems like kind of a sham these days anyways. Chris Johnson and Andre Ellington are both out, which means Dave John should play nearly every snap for a potent offense in a game they are likely to be winning throughout.

Kill - Todd Gurley ($8400) - TGIII is probably wearing down. His yards per carry hasn't been pretty the last 4 weeks. And he only played 29 of 74 snaps last week. He's an absolute stay away.

Facebook pokes - DeMarco Murray, Darren McFadden, DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, Javorious "Buck" Allen

Wide Receiver

Marry - Alshon Jeffrey ($7700) - All of the elite WR's are in play this week, but Alshon is cheaper and on the same tier IMO, so he earns the headline. Here's how I'd rank the Big 4:

1. Julio Jones - TB can't stop WR's, this one's almost too obvious
2. Odell Beckham Jr - NYJ shuts down the run and Revis is out
3. Antonio Brown - Huge bounce back potential with potent offense
4. DeAndre Hopkins - Will certainly be the lowest owned, is he losing steam though?

MARRY - Allen Robinson ($8000) - Double marry! Mormon alert! I'll try and keep this cleaner than BYU players have as of late. You save on RB's this week, so you can spend on WR's. This one is simple. Allen Hurns is out and A-Rob has had 100+ yards or a TD in every game since Week 5.

Kill - Sammy Watkins ($7000) - Don't chase the points. Don't do it. Last time Sammy went off like he did last week, he put up 3-14 the next game. He is not reliable.

Facebook pokes - The ELITES, AJ Green (no Eifert), Danny Amendola (if healthy), Brandon Lafell, Eric Decker, Kamar Aiken, John Brown

Tight End

Gronk - Travis Kelce ($6200) - The league's second best TE (sans Gronk) against the league's third worst TE defense. Check.

Marry - Greg Olsen ($6800) - The league's best TE (sans Gronk) against the league's worst TE defense. Checkmate.

Kill - Scott Chandler ($5300) - Yes, he ate up targets last week (sans Gronk), but surely the Patriots come up with something better for Sunday. He doesn't save you enough money and he'll be highly owned.

Facebook pokes - Gary Barnidge, Delanie Walker, Jordan Reed, Jacob Tamme


Fuck - Robbie Gould ($4600) - My new strategy with kickers: If you fade a team that's in a favorable spot, then use their kicker. I love Cutler and Alshon this week, but if I'm using a lineup without them, I'll slide in Gould.

Marry - Cairo Santos ($4800) - Can you believe a team MVP costs only $4800?

Kill - Greg Zeurlein ($4500) - He's probably not playing. So don't play him.


Fuck - Redskins ($4400) - Remember, you're not necessarily playing Washington's defense here. You're playing against Matt Cassel.

Marry - Patriots ($4800) - Coming off a loss, big favorites, at home, Sam Bradford. Yup.

Kill - Goodell Got It Right! Nobody's favorite segment returns once again due to zero demand. This week? Roger's revenge on the Patriots! Hey, he finally won an appeal, you guys. It only took him 13 weeks to get there. So why did I like this when it led to a Broncos victory? Because people are all over Brock Osweiler right now and he's going to fail spectacularly in the playoffs this year. I'm already excited to watch it.

Facebook pokes - Steelers, Jets, Chiefs, Bengals

My #1 FanDuel Lineup

QB - Marcus Mariota
RB - Shaun Draughn
RB - David Johnson
WR - Julio Jones
WR - Allen Robinson
WR - Alshon Jeffrey
TE - Greg Olsen
K - Cairo Santos
DEF - Patriots

***If you're new to FanDuel, follow this link and click the yellow tab in the top right corner, and put in promo code DIRK to get special savings and make me monies***

Enter The Milhouse League for Week 13 on FanDuel

Just one thing, Dude - do you have to use so many cuss words?

His Dirkness

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