Wednesday, January 26, 2011

KU: The Dirk Says...Know Your Role

The clamoring has grown so loud that Thy Dirkness cannot even sleep at night. Friendly requests have evolved into impatient demands, and have transformed my mind from peaceful bliss into a Miles Davis song. The time feels write to right about some KU basketball.

It hadn't felt like College Basketball season until last night, when KU traveled to Boulder, Colorado, where the rich phonies were nice enough to break out the "Fuck you Kansas" chant as well as the "You Live In Kansas" signs. You stay classy, Colorado.

I'm not sure if it was the loss to Texas or the near-conclusion to the NFL season, but I was completely unable to embrace College Basketball until this week. Now I feel like busting out of my hibernation ala Jeff Withey last night, who still had his PJ's on with sleep creases all across his face. Can somebody get that man a 5-hour energy?

Well, that's the end of my comedy bit intro (which I practiced in front of the mirror this morning, only to see a toothless hobo staring back), so on to the meat of the article. I thought what better way to dive back into KU then a reprise of last year's article (commented on by the very hated Jason Whitlock, back pat) defining each and every player's role on the team (ranked in importance to the team's success), complete with a player comparison (indicated by *). Cue role play music....

Marcus Morris- Mar-Mo. I learned more about the Jayhawks in their loss to Texas than I did in their 18 victories preceding it. For starters, MarMo was poised to take over down the stretch. He demanded the ball and took it right to the rim when he got it. He is good enough to carry the Jayhawks to a National Championship this season.

Markieff Morris- Mo'Kieff. Of course, what's a star player without an identical twin? Mo'Kieff needs to amp up his role as an NHL-like enforcer. Let Marcus handle the pretty stuff, while Markieff does the dirty work. Don't allow easy baskets, intimidate anybody that shows good fundamentals, and most importantly, continue to lead the Big 12 in rebounding.

*Morrisi player comparison: Lopez Twins, Stanford (Stick with me here. Similar how Brooke {'Cus} focused on scoring while Robin {Kieff Dogg} focused on rebounding and defense. Only the Morrisi don't have pansy girl names.)

Tyrel Reed- Three-rel. I've noticed that we're beginning every game with a called set to get Tyrel an open 3 now. I'm cool with ThReed shooting every time he's open, even if that's 10-12-15 times a game. *Lee Humphrey, Florida Gators.

Tyshawn Taylor- Ty-Tay. Seems to have finally accepted his role on the team. He's not out there trying to do too much, but still pushes the envelope enough to pose a threat to the defense. Needs to improve his defense, along with the other KU guards, who are giving up too many easy layups right now. *Rajon Rondo (poor man's), Boston Celtics.

Thomas Robinson- T-Rob. A swat waiting to happen on both sides of the floor. TRob can cement KU's "rough team" status by steadying as the team's third low-post option. Not many teams can match that 1-2-3 punch down low, which means he could feast on white, backup centers nationwide. *Joey Dorsey, Memphis Tigers (specifically his dunk and staredown on Colehelm).

Josh Selby- 1-And-Dumb. My biggest fear heading into The Big Dance is Selby using the stage to showcase his skillz as a springboard into 1-and-done infamy. Interesting to note that Self wasn't playing Selby down the stretch last night against Colorado in one of his best games of the season. If he isn't shooting lights out, he's usually the worst player on the court. *J.R. Giddens, New Mexico Lobos.

Brady Morningstar- Cornbread. Morningstarch. WhiteShadowStar. StickyFingerz. Alright, that's enough. It's best for Bradayyy to play his defense and just not get noticed much. Although, he has been heating up lately. *Billy Hoyle, White Men Can't Jump.

Mario Little-Big Man. Clearly the laziest player and biggest disappointment on the team. However, could be an interesting X-factor come NCAA Tournament time. He's still behind right now (as always) but should be at his peak come March. *Generic Michigan St. forward, Michigan St.

Travis Releford- Bobbleheadeford. Hate that he got injured because I feel he's good enough to take on a bigger role. He might be a year away now, but still love his energy off the bench. *Richard Jefferson, Arizona Wildcats

Jeff ChenoWithey- Ol' Whitey Swats. Can't get over his on-court posture. Just imagine coaches yelling at him, "Hey, Jeff," only for him to respond 3 seconds later, Spicoli-style, "haha, what?" "Just continue swattin' shots and brickin' Alley-oops, Whitey." *Yao Ming, China (thought I was goin Chenowith there didn't ya?).

Elijah Johnson- Soul'jah Boy. Jah'Rule. Still waiting for Elijah to do something worthwhile. *Rodrick Stewart, Lithuania (can't wait for 'Jah to break his leg in the Final 4 this year).

Royce Woolridge- Royce Gracie. My only note on Woolridge reads, "Nice name. Nice airball." *Mugsy Bogues, Wake Forest.

Jordan Juenemann- J.J. Birden. Keep gopherin' balls for refs and playin' to the crowd while squeegeeing the floor. *Juwanna Mann, Charlotte Banshees.

Niko Roberts- The Slinky. Keep hanging out with KU roadies Sasha Kaun and his cyka. *Kyle Speed, Grand Canyon.

Dirk Noss


DeBrockus the Leadoff Man said...

All season I have sat in front of your homepage with eyes peeled waiting, waiting on a KU article - and after 19 games I finally looked away...and that's when it appeared.

Mo'Cus - Agile and thrifty, but still forgets sometimes that he's not a small forward in the NBA yet. Has a silky shot and can hit 3's but can't hit free throws half the time. Dedicated to leading the team.

Mo'Kieff - Tha trash collector for sure. It's weird how he has great hops one possession and then the next he sticks to the ground instead of going up strong again like the past 2 yrs. He's fierce, though.

Tyrelentless Reed. Tyreliable. Tyrelaxed. Unbelievable transformation from obscure Whitey Tightey to consistent leader.

Lil Tyshawn "Biddy Basketball" Taylor - dooood this isn't the playground anymore, you cant dribble shoulder high and not expect that lil 5'7" Cookie to not steal the ball.

Thom Rhob tha Hopscotch - Still traveling way too much big buddy, learn from the Manning and you'll be a tsunami down there.

Josh "Zaviyay" Selby - you ain't one and done...KID. I hate the 1-10 game and then 16 points the next, everytime.

Bradyyy "Skid Markz" Morninghead - keep workin on getttin the shot back, make smarter passes.

Little-Big Man - def most disappointing, need him for Rhob's absence and/or foul trouble.

Bobbleheadeford - we gotta get this keyid back, we need his driving to bucket presence.

Whitey "Bedhead" Withey - i hang on to every move/shot he does cuz I wanna say "i told ya so" to thus Dirkness...but that has yet to happen except in exhibition games.

Prophet Eli'Jah Rule' - clone of Tyshawn. Keep givin him oooops

Royce da 5'9 (not relating to his actual height) - smooth airball

Juwannamann - perfect for helping injured players to locker room

Neko Case - assists Juwanna with loading the T-Shirt rocket launcher

His Dirkness said...

Magnificent DaBrockachu. The Withey analysis is superb, I can't imagine you sitting down at any point that he is in the game, just pacing back n forth, wilhelming every time he touches the ball. Love the TRob and Tyrannosaurus Reed (that just happened) nicknames. The Book of Eli'Jah Rule. And I think you meant Va-jay-jay for Selby.

One thing we can all celebrate is that we don't got Jolly Green Aldrich dumb'lin around down low no more. His loss is the equivalent of losing JuJuBee Wright before winning da Champ yon Sheep.

So I guess now its up to America to determine which one they like better no?

His Dirkness

DeBrockshaw said...

Shirk, I believe we share a kindred spiritedness in creating mildly offensive, yet purely brilliant names for the goobers on our team. For some reason, it seems as if the majority of others either don't get it, feel its demeaning/racial, or can't think of anything near as absurd. As you proved in your follow-up to my epoch, thus Dire K. Squireness can squeeze out even better names at any moment he's called upon. Now that you're actually invested in the season keep up the articles, so that we can continue to find completely outlandish nicknames for everyone. You should start posting these on the Husker Du site.

DBZ said...

I hope we get to see more T Rele as well. Random note: I saw Tyshawn walk into a woman's restroom last night to see what was taking one of the girls so long.