So most of the following pertains to the first weekend of NCAA Tournament games, but I choose to write them nonetheless! Try and look past the immediate relevance of them and enjoy the ridiculousciousness...
And the award goes to....
For being the best player in the NCAA Tournament (written before last night's manhandling of the Dukies) - Derrick Williams, Arizona
For potentially being the best College Basketball player of all time - Tyrel Reed, Kansas (has a chance to surpass Shane Battier for most wins by one player if KU makes the National Championship Game)
For making the Dirkness All-Tournament team: Jacob Pullen - Kansas St, Jimmer Fredette - BYU, Brandon Knight - Kentucky, Derrick Williams - Arizona, Tyler Zeller - North Carolina
For making the Dirkness second team All-Tournament team: Kemba Walker - UConn, Shelvin Mack - Butler, Erving Walker - Florida, Marcus Morris - Kansas, Joshua Smith- UCLA
For being this year's Omar Sanham (Dirkness mancrush) - Kenneth Faried, Morehead St.
For being this Tournament's Keiton Page (thus bothering Dirkness to no end) - Chandler Parsons, Florida
For being a homeless man's Tyler Hansbrough - Josh Harrellson, Kentucky
For obviously being on steroids - Jimmer Fredette, BYU
For the dumbest play of the Tournament - John Henson, North Carolina - near goaltending at the end of UNC-Wash game (dumber than Pitt-Butler fouls because there was absolutely nothing to gain)
For best nickname - The Mazzula Oblongota, West Virginia
For the second best nickname - Little Onions - Erving Walker, Florida
For most nicknames for one player - Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia - The Turkish Torpedo, The Bearded Clam, The Overmatched Bond Villain, Zangief
For having the best name of the Tournament - MoMo Jones, Arizona
For having the best chance to succeed based on birth name - Bradford Burgess, VCU
For the weirdest KU-related sighting - David Padgett, Louisville (coaching)
For the second weirdest KU-related sighting - Quintrell Thomas, UNLV
For having the best post-game celebration - MoMo Jones, Arizona - Blowing a kiss to the camera while slobbering uncontrollably
For being the true Cinderellas of the NCAA Tournament - Richmond Spiders (most opening round wins as a 12 seed or lower - 5, Tulsa - 3)
For creating argument about who's the true Cinderella - Gonzaga ZagDogs (8-4 as a double digit seed since 1999)
For being the first team ever - Michigan (won a game with no made free throws)
For putting up the biggest Georgetown-like first round lay down - Georgetown
For putting up the biggest Pitt-like Tournament letdown - Pitt
For annually being picked to go further in brackets than they actually go - Texas
For being the least impressive surviving team of the first weekend (written before Sweet 16) - San Diego St.
For being the most impressive team of the Tournament - VCU
For being the easiest Sweet 16 matchup to pick - UNC over Marquette
For being the biggest Sweet 16 toss up - VCU/Florida St.
For having the best fight song: Arizona
Scariest sighting - Dan Bonner's overzealous smily face
Silliest looking future leaders of America - Princeton fans in orange-man suits
Weirdest Tournament follow-up show - TruTV's Bicycle Soccer
Best mispronunciation of the Tournament - Charles Barkley - "cramps" ("crabs", "craps")
Troofest statement of the Tournament - Charles Barkley - "Texas is a team that relies on talent alone, but shows very poor fundamentals"
Rule change suggestion - His Dirkness - No more 1-in-1 free throws (too big an emphasis on free throw shooting)
Coolest NCAA Tournament connection - Sean Miller, Arizona - threw the pass that led to "Send it in, Jerome" call...
Best prediction - Charles Barkley - picking Arizona to beat Duke even at halftime while trailing by 6 (narrowly edging Dirkness' prediction of Arizona to beat Duke from the beginning)
Best announcing term of the Tournament - Gus Johnson - "Crosstown traffic" (narrowly edging Gus Johnson's "Oooohhhhooooohhhhhh")
Most overused announcing term - "heat check"
Most underused announcing term - "hockey assist"
Sky high in brackets,