First news is that the Chicago Bulls might be trading Kirk Hinrich to the Washington Wizards, freeing up enough cap space enabling them to go after two max-contract players in free agency. Imagine LeBron or D-Wade paired with Carlos Boozer or Chris Bosh. All on top of Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah. Hellooooooooooooo.
On to the draft...
Wizards- John Wall- Can't help but imagine him using his dance in the bedroom.
76ers- Evan Turner- My main assist man, D-Tuck, drops off this dime: he strongly resembles a Sesame Street character.
Kings- DeMarcus Cousins- Only two years away from the unavoidable John Calipari scandal at Kentucky leading to him coaching Cousins along with another Calipari Cronie, Tyreke Evans, in Sacramento.
Warriors- Ekpe Udoh- Taking a dump in his first professional interview is a great start.
Pistons- Greg Monroe- Higher on him now than I was when I made my predictions.
Clippers- Al-Farouq Aminu- Ridiculous looking glasses.
Jazz- Gordon Hayward- As if he wasn't white enough already, now he plays for the Utah Jazz.
Pacers- Paul George- His name says it all.
Hornets- Cole Aldrich- Everything is so great man, I'm so happy, golly gee. Nice looking teeth though. TRADED to Thunder.
Grizzlies- Xavier Henry- Bilas claims he's purely a spot up shooter as they show repeated highlights of him driving to the basket. The only three times he did it all year, but still. Ironically, Xavier ends up in Memphis where he should have spent last year watching Mario Little and the Jayhawks host the National Championship.
Raptors- Ed Davis- Before the Toronto Raptors pick a USA chant breaks out. Is this aimed at Canadians or just a product of US Soccer sweeping the nation?
Rockets- Patrick Patterson- He's a big soccer fan and is cheering for Spain. Also supports the Yankees, Lakers, and oddly enough, Duke.
Bucks- Larry Sanders- I heard his show is pretty damn funny. Reminds me of Theo Ratliff, the dude that was so overpaid that he was mentioned in every trade rumor of the last decade.
Timberwolves- Luke Babbitt- Atleast this year's picks will actually show up and/or communicate with the team unlike Ricky Rubio. Hopefully...
Bulls- Kevin Seraphin- Fran Fraschilla loves the pick. Dirkness love the pick. We have that kind of relationship. Love drafting foreigners post-lottery.
Thunder- Eric Bledsoe- Stu Scott says they gave the Lakers their toughest series of the playoffs. How wasted was he during the Finals? Love the fake cheering from Durant for a player that he knows won't be on their team. TRADED to Clippers.
Celtics- Avery Bradley- How fast he can adjust to the Celtics strategy of taking the entire season off will determine his success. Was the number one rated high school player and the 470th best college player last year.
Spurs- James Anderson- The Spurs thrive with their late first round draft picks by usually taking successful college players. Now that's what I call advanced thinking.
Thunder- Craig Brackins- Big 12 Run continues. TRADED to Hornets.
Blazers- Eliot Williams- Never heard of him. Possible explanation is that they fired their awesome General Manager, Kevin Pritchard, effective after the draft. AFTER the draft. He's making picks for a team that just fired him. The team that he has completely rebuilt. I would've drafted a kindergartner. Or the best player in the Leavenworth Penitentiary League. Actually I might do that if I were trying to win.
Timberwolves- Trevor Booker- How miserable must it be to know that you'll be spending your first few NBA years (supposed to be filled with hoes, blunts, and making it rain) in cold ass Minnesota? OHHHHH TRADED to Wizards. There goes that.
Hawks- Damion James- How many Big 12 players we at now? Answer: Too many. TRADED to Nets.
Grizzlies- Dominique Jones- I would've taken the red thing from the KIA commercials instead. TRADED to Mavericks. Red Guy would've looked great playing next to Dirk.
Thunder- Quincy Poindexter- Love this pick. Kevin Durant all but admitted that his voice is heard on decision making. So it's important that your star player isn't only good, but also smart.
Nets- Jordan Crawford- TRADED to Hawks. The author of the dunk that sent LeBron's camp into an embarrassing cover-up that only led to more publicity, all for a mediocre facial that barely grazed the face of LeBron (HA!). He continues to be more concerned over his self-image than winning.
Grizzlies- General Grievis Vasquez who EXPLODES in excitement! He must be confident that this guaranteed contract will be his one and only. Well, I don't, I like his game.
Magic- Daniel Orton- Again, he averaged 3 points a game last year. Must be represented by Drew Rosenhaus. Dude can't even speak, not really a downgrade in the NBA.
Wizards- Lazar Hayward- Closes out the first round with David Stern thanking the crowd for their "enthusiasm" (booing him every time he popped out from behind the curtains). I really hope the name Lazar catches on.
2nd Round- Adam Silver- Comes out to a huge ovation from the crowd excited to see anybody besides the worst "Best Commissioner in Sports" in the best moment of the night. He is now being greeted with what I believe to be "Sexy Silver" chants when he emerges from the green room.
Along with most of the players, half of the staffs, and all of the Atlanta Hawks, I'll be taking a good majority of the second round off.
Heat- Dexter Pittman- See, I told you he was still alive.
Kings- Hassan Whiteside- Disappointed the fans who wanted them to draft Jeff Van Gundy.
They have two minutes to get their pick in for the second round. There are many things I can do in two minutes, but making decisions heavily affecting my future is not one of them.
Knicks- Andy Rautins- Trying to please the hometown fans at the Draft. This will be their selling point when they miss out on the LeBron sweepstakes.
Knicks- Landry Fields- There goes that enthusiasm...
Pacers- Lance Stephenson- The Vegas favorite in the 'First 2010 NBA Draft Pick to get Arrested' race. Don't let us down Lance!
Heat- Jarvis Varnado- Sports Guy once penned a theory that it's smart to draft anybody that's really good at one thing, rather it be shooting, rebounding, on-ball defending, or in this case, blocking shots. He will be useful in the League.
Suns- Gani Lawal- My boy, D-Tuck's sleeper, going to my boy, D-Tuck's favorite team. Claims he is the next Cedric Ceballos.
Bucks- Tiny Gallon- Somehow, Buckethead got an invite to the Draft. Going to the unhealthiest city in the country probably isn't the best fit.
Celtics- Luke Harangody- Does he have enough crazy to fit in with the Celtics frontcourt? He certainly looks it. And his last name has possibilities to become its own sub-race. Oh, he's a Harangody.
Lithuanian Mudducks- Sherron Collins- I can't believe he didn't get drafted. Seems to be in vogue to hate on him. I think he could be a creator in the league that loves its playmakers. I guess people question his character, but I don't remember one game that he didn't bring it. I hope he finds a home somewhere, and continues banging strippers in the process.