Wednesday, September 9, 2015

FanDuel NFL Week 1: Fuck, Marry, Kill

Welcome to my new weekly FanDuel article. I have no idea if this'll be featured on here, my home website, but here's Week 1, baby...

Now, I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I am a dude who really enjoys daily fantasy, and I did decent enough last season, which was my first year doing so. The Sunday rush of it can be pretty damn incredible. I'm sure people who have played know exactly what I'm talking about. And the beautiful thing is - I can play in multiple leagues, have a chance at thousands of dollars, captivate myself for 11 hours of football on Sunday, and do it all for under $10 if I so desire. Sign me up for THAT. Speaking of which...

***If you're new to FanDuel, follow this link and click the yellow tab in the top right corner, and put in promo code DIRK to get special savings and make me monies***

Enter The Dirk League for Week 1 on FanDuel

A quick synopsis on exactly what I'll be writing every week: Most of you know the game "Fuck, Marry, Kill." If you don't, here's an explanation, via (along with how I will apply it to FanDuel in parentheses):

~Fuck: This is your hit it and quit it option. It could be great while it lasts but they're better suited for a booty-call than a relationship ... (Low cost sleeper who's matchup dependent - great this week, maybe not so much next week).

~Marry: This one's good for the long term. Bring 'em home to mom, buy a home, raise a family, and spend a lifetime with them ... (High dollar stud who's gonna make it worth your while to break the bank on him this week).

~Kill: This is the one you can't stand the site of. Rid them from your life completely. (Hard pass who you don't want any part of this week).

That's it. Pretty simple. Now here are your Week 1 FMK's:


Fuck - Sam Bradford ($7500) - Because this is daily fantasy, which means you don't have to fuck Sam Bradford all season, you just have to fuck Sam Bradford for one night. FanDuel rule #1 - Identify which games will be the highest scoring of the week and abuse them. This week, both Giants v. Cowboys and Eagles v. Falcons jump out at me. So I will be using a ton of Bradford/Romo/DeMarco/Julio/Dez/Odell/Matthews in my lineups.

Marry - Aaron Rodgers ($9700) - You know, because he's … well, yanno. You know. Oh he's, uhh, he's playing the Bears. He owns the Bears. He spray-painted them for 10 touchdowns last season. He's probably already convinced himself that nobody believes in him with Jordy Nelson out, even though exactly zero people think that. Oh, and he's dating Olivia Munn, just so you know.

Kill - Peyton Manning ($9100) and Andrew Luck ($9200). God that feels good to say. Over the course of this offseason, I've really developed a bitter distaste for the Colts organization -- a hatred as strong as 1,000 Vince Vaughn wives in True Detective. Going from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck with only one bad season in between is so criminal that I bet I could sue Roger Goodell over it (…it also makes for an amazing parallel with the San Antonio Spurs and Robinsin/Duncan). To recap: Kill the Colts. Kill Peyton Manning. Kill Andrew Luck. And yanno what, fuck em all, too.

Running Back

FuckChris Ivory ($6400) - Say what up to the worst run defense in 2014 -- the Cleveland Browns. After all, Johnny can't play defense, too.

MarryLamar Miller ($7300) - I think there's a good chance the Dolphins beat up a Redskins team in disarray, which will give Miami every opportunity to run the ball. Their backup, Jay Ajayi, is on Fake IR, so Lamar is gonna get them touches, yo. And I bet you didn't know he had the 2nd highest yards per carry amongst all RB's in 2014.

Kill - Justin Forsett ($7800) - This is more of a season-long fade than a Week 1 matchup thing. I think everybody is underestimating how big of a loss Gary Kubiak is for a RB. There's a reason Forsett is 29 and has never been good before. It's because he's probably not very good. Meanwhile, Gary Kubiak is roughly the 4th best RB in football.

Wide Receiver

Fuck - Jordan Matthews ($6800) - Welcome to my favorite Jerry Stackhouse of the week. FanDuel rule #2 - Pairing a QB and a WR from the same team is a smart idea (commonly referred to as a stack). The idea being, if the WR goes off, the QB will also have good numbers, so now you've doubled up.

Marry - Julio Jones ($9000) - He's about to go off. The Eagles will score, forcing the Falcons to throw. Roddy White is banged up. The Eagles secondary is suspect. As much as I want to chill out on Sunday night and watch Odell or Dez light up my lineup, Julio is the smarter play amongst high dollar WR's this week.

Kill - Emmanuel Sanders ($8200) - I'm expecting a low scoring game in Denver. Both the Ravens and Broncos have stout defenses, and have questions that need answering when it comes to their passing games. This one could come back to bite me, so just in case, I might kill Sammy Watkins, too.

Tight End

Fuck - Travis Kelce ($6000) - This one is less about football and more about…well, lets just move on. 

Marry - Greg Olsen ($5900) - The Carolina Panthers might have the worst WR corps I've ever seen after losing Kelvin Benjamin to a torn ACL. Ted Ginn is starting for them. He's a 30 year old, former 9th overall pick who's career high in receiving yards is 790. And I'm shocked it's that high. Their other starter is a 23 year old undrafted free agent. The point being -- Olsen's gonna comb his hair on Sunday.

Hate - Everybody else. Spend a little on TE this week. Kelce, Olsen or Martellus. That's it, that's the list.


Fuck - Andrew Franks ($4500) - Pick a team's kicker who will win their game by a lot.

Marry - Matt Bryant ($5000) - Or pick a team's kicker who will be in a shootout.

Hate - How I have no idea if the cheap kickers at the bottom are actually on their team or not. 


Fuck - Broncos ($4200) - Look, you can pick a team you hate. It's fun to have complex emotions on a Sunday. You don't need everything to be so black and white. Go ahead and give yourself that silver lining. It worked for Bradley Cooper, didn't it?

Marry - Dolphins ($4700) - Did you know Kirk Cousins has thrown 15 picks in his 9 NFL starts? That's a lot of tater tots. He's also 2-7 with wins over the Browns and Titans in those 9 games. Suh might just Ndecapitate him on Sunday.

Kill - Bengals - My Week 1 upset: Raiders over Bengals. 

My #1 FanDuel Lineup

QB - Sam Bradford
RB - Jeremy Hill
RB - Lamar Miller
WR - Julio Jones
WR - Jordan Matthews
WR - John Brown
TE - Greg Olsen
K - Chandler Catanzaro
DEF - Broncos

***Remember, use Promo Code DIRK when you're signing up for a new FanDuel account. Just click the yellow tab in the top right corner of this page***

Dirk's Week 1 FanDuel League

Just one thing, Dude - do you have to use so many cuss words?

His Dirkness

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